Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 4/4/10
Star Wars to Save the
Economy
By, Puns
McKenna
Everyone knows about the multi-billion dollar franchise that George Lucas has
created. Star Wars has been a cornerstone in the Sci-Fi arena since the first
movie entered the scene in the 1970’s. The unGodly amount of money this
franchise has made knocks the socks off of most directors in Hollywood today.
If you can’t tell, Star Wars rocks!
Okay, okay, that aside… Star Wars could very well be the savior that
our financial banana circus. We all know that the money markets are looking
like the inside of a Sarlak pit. And before you ask if it can get any worse…
I give you “The Carbonite Maneuver” that Vader pulled on Han. Our
economy has been driven into the ground by a bad pod racer, and now the powerhouse
that is the Rebel Alliance is going to have to bail our sorry Empire fearing
tails out.
The question is, will they be able to? I dunno… they seem to be capable
of beating off the likes of Palpatine and Vader, but I don’t know if they
would be able to get passed the forces of Blackitron. If you can’t tell,
I’m no fan of the current administration. To be honest, I could just see
Obama sitting in the shadows with a large daisy- colored robe draped around
him like a saffron egg shell. While Joe Biden lurks around in a black bodysuit
that reminds you of Lord Hellmute from Spaceballs.
Of course, I suppose the Rebels could get passed Obamatine and Darth Biden,
if they use the Star Wars system to level the playing field. Not the most diplomatic
of missions, but they would certainly bolster the economy for a time. We’d
still need a more stable solution, though. Maybe Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, and
the Freaky green Muppet could get together and make a better plan, though I
doubt there’s time. Already Obamatine and Darth Biden have a strangle
hold on the purse strings. Force Grip can do some nasty things when left unchecked.
I’d like to think that we’re in good hands but I don’t know
how much faith I have in a whiny little farm boy from Tattooine, and spoiled
little rich girl who just happens to be his twin sister, or a scruffy little
nerf herder from the Outer Rim. I have complete faith in Muppet-Man. He’s
the bees knees when it comes to whomping out bad things. I believe that we’ll
be in good hands so long as we let the Force guide us on the right path.
Seems to me that we need to trust the multi-billion dollar franchise to get
us through the collapse of our economy. All in favor…say Aye.
Confessions of
a Dislocated Texan
Grow up and allow liquor by
the drink
By Ezra Mann
(editor in spoof)
Article also featured at the Pauls
Valley Daily Democrat
All too often, small towns across America use paranoia as
a reason to keep responsible adults from enjoying life reasonably. Whether it
is using a legitimate concern or pushing one’s personal belief’s on
the rest, justification of allowing the government to control parts of one’s
life is always a tantrum away. Prohibitions on items that may not be 100% good
for us is nothing new and some use it as a way to dampen down anything that has
any chance of causing harm to even one person. One of those sinful objects that
still riles up a few extremists is alcohol and while it is not totally banned
from purchase in Garvin County, the limitations are such that a significant chunk
of revenue is still being put out of reach. For we all know that booze by the
drink is so darn evil and those guys who get drunk at home will never get behind
the wheel and pose a danger on roadways. It’s always amusing when a community
tries to make a compromise when it comes to booze laws as if there’s some
fix it all way to claim more taxes while still appearing that you’re aren’t
gripped by the tipsy demon. The fear campaigns operate on the principal that if
you do everything possible to remove the temptation, then all will stay hunky
dory in the self protected bubble. The real kicker about addiction though is that
those with no self control will find a way to get what they want and it only shifts
the circumstances slightly in the problems that arise. This theory of isolating
your residents from something bad only works so well when you can in less than
an hour get a hard drink with your meal anyway. However, if we allow the sinister
forces of intoxication to be available in restaurants and all the stores, they’ll
invade innocent places and force them to guzzle Jack Daniels and Jose Quervo!
I know that I’m not the only crazy city boy out there that wouldn’t
mind saving the gas money to stay within the county to eat at a slightly more
upscale eatery. Heck I really don’t care about getting wine or liquor with
all my eat out meals, but we’re certainly not doing much to encourage respectable
businesses like Olive Garden or Chili’s to set up shop nearby. I know it’s
a shocking development, but yes you can have a family friendly place to gather
with love ones that actually serves something other than low point beer. That’s
another thing, why allow us to even drink fermented wheat beverages if you are
going to make us suffer with some of the worst tasting stuff as our only option?
Some of us still cherish our taste buds and FYI, some people will simply drink
more to get to that buzz despite your limitation. Another insane idea is that
maybe communities should invest more in helping those with addiction instead of
trying to keep everything remotely habit forming as far away as possible. These
same ideas that limit places like Pauls Valley from growing further are also being
used on a national level to consider taxing people for enjoying sugar and fat
in their foods. Rules are available to make sure things are as safe as possible,
but one of these days we’re going to have to quit trying to parent the rest
of society. I no more have the right to tell people they can’t bring back
the terrible fashion of the 1980s than you do to tell me I can’t have a
margarita with my enchilada’s at a place right off the interstate. Let’s
all grow up and take the decision making out of the school yard.
Really Pathetic
Productions 1997-2010 © Menu
Bar By Albatross