Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 4/4/10

Star Wars to Save the Economy
By, Puns McKenna

Everyone knows about the multi-billion dollar franchise that George Lucas has created. Star Wars has been a cornerstone in the Sci-Fi arena since the first movie entered the scene in the 1970’s. The unGodly amount of money this franchise has made knocks the socks off of most directors in Hollywood today. If you can’t tell, Star Wars rocks!

Okay, okay, that aside… Star Wars could very well be the savior that our financial banana circus. We all know that the money markets are looking like the inside of a Sarlak pit. And before you ask if it can get any worse… I give you “The Carbonite Maneuver” that Vader pulled on Han. Our economy has been driven into the ground by a bad pod racer, and now the powerhouse that is the Rebel Alliance is going to have to bail our sorry Empire fearing tails out.

The question is, will they be able to? I dunno… they seem to be capable of beating off the likes of Palpatine and Vader, but I don’t know if they would be able to get passed the forces of Blackitron. If you can’t tell, I’m no fan of the current administration. To be honest, I could just see Obama sitting in the shadows with a large daisy- colored robe draped around him like a saffron egg shell. While Joe Biden lurks around in a black bodysuit that reminds you of Lord Hellmute from Spaceballs.

Of course, I suppose the Rebels could get passed Obamatine and Darth Biden, if they use the Star Wars system to level the playing field. Not the most diplomatic of missions, but they would certainly bolster the economy for a time. We’d still need a more stable solution, though. Maybe Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, and the Freaky green Muppet could get together and make a better plan, though I doubt there’s time. Already Obamatine and Darth Biden have a strangle hold on the purse strings. Force Grip can do some nasty things when left unchecked.

I’d like to think that we’re in good hands but I don’t know how much faith I have in a whiny little farm boy from Tattooine, and spoiled little rich girl who just happens to be his twin sister, or a scruffy little nerf herder from the Outer Rim. I have complete faith in Muppet-Man. He’s the bees knees when it comes to whomping out bad things. I believe that we’ll be in good hands so long as we let the Force guide us on the right path.

Seems to me that we need to trust the multi-billion dollar franchise to get us through the collapse of our economy. All in favor…say Aye.

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
Grow up and allow liquor by the drink
By Ezra Mann (editor in spoof)

Article also featured at the Pauls Valley Daily Democrat

All too often, small towns across America use paranoia as a reason to keep responsible adults from enjoying life reasonably. Whether it is using a legitimate concern or pushing one’s personal belief’s on the rest, justification of allowing the government to control parts of one’s life is always a tantrum away. Prohibitions on items that may not be 100% good for us is nothing new and some use it as a way to dampen down anything that has any chance of causing harm to even one person. One of those sinful objects that still riles up a few extremists is alcohol and while it is not totally banned from purchase in Garvin County, the limitations are such that a significant chunk of revenue is still being put out of reach. For we all know that booze by the drink is so darn evil and those guys who get drunk at home will never get behind the wheel and pose a danger on roadways. It’s always amusing when a community tries to make a compromise when it comes to booze laws as if there’s some fix it all way to claim more taxes while still appearing that you’re aren’t gripped by the tipsy demon. The fear campaigns operate on the principal that if you do everything possible to remove the temptation, then all will stay hunky dory in the self protected bubble. The real kicker about addiction though is that those with no self control will find a way to get what they want and it only shifts the circumstances slightly in the problems that arise. This theory of isolating your residents from something bad only works so well when you can in less than an hour get a hard drink with your meal anyway. However, if we allow the sinister forces of intoxication to be available in restaurants and all the stores, they’ll invade innocent places and force them to guzzle Jack Daniels and Jose Quervo! I know that I’m not the only crazy city boy out there that wouldn’t mind saving the gas money to stay within the county to eat at a slightly more upscale eatery. Heck I really don’t care about getting wine or liquor with all my eat out meals, but we’re certainly not doing much to encourage respectable businesses like Olive Garden or Chili’s to set up shop nearby. I know it’s a shocking development, but yes you can have a family friendly place to gather with love ones that actually serves something other than low point beer. That’s another thing, why allow us to even drink fermented wheat beverages if you are going to make us suffer with some of the worst tasting stuff as our only option? Some of us still cherish our taste buds and FYI, some people will simply drink more to get to that buzz despite your limitation. Another insane idea is that maybe communities should invest more in helping those with addiction instead of trying to keep everything remotely habit forming as far away as possible. These same ideas that limit places like Pauls Valley from growing further are also being used on a national level to consider taxing people for enjoying sugar and fat in their foods. Rules are available to make sure things are as safe as possible, but one of these days we’re going to have to quit trying to parent the rest of society. I no more have the right to tell people they can’t bring back the terrible fashion of the 1980s than you do to tell me I can’t have a margarita with my enchilada’s at a place right off the interstate. Let’s all grow up and take the decision making out of the school yard.

 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2010 Menu Bar By Albatross