Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/24/10

Google Leaves China, Enter Chuck Norris
By, Puns McKenna

Censorship is one of the hardest things to handle, especially in the Internet world. And the number one place in the world you find censorship is in China. So naturally it would follow that the Internet is Highly censored in China, right? Of course!

Now, who is the worlds most successful Internet search engine in the world? Google! Everyone has seen the colorful label of Google roaming around the Internet. Well, Google and China have come to a clashing point. In order to work in China Google has to censor the content that people are allowed to see when they do searches. I guess they don’t want all that Chinese porn getting around. As people are wont to do there was a Google hijack. Some whack-job activist group pown’d the search engine in China and spread their hug me trees around to the general populace.

Since the incident, Google has been trying desperately to get the Chinese government to relax its censorship stranglehold just enough that they can breathe. Unfortunately no forward momentum has been achieved, so the world-renowned Internet search engine has decided to pull the chopstick on its Chinese operation. Only, China doesn’t want to let go. They’ve gotten their talons into something that they can control and they don’t want to let it out of their sight.

With this unfortunate turn of events Google has had to pull in the big guns. Chuck Norris! It was a hard fight to get Mr. Norris to consent to back up Google in this endeavor, but when he was told that he could get some screen time out of it…

The plan is to have Mr. Norris suit up in a large Godzilla-esque costume and have him rampage through the streets of Beijing. It will be very much like the old Godzilla movies where downtown Kyoto. The idea is to use fear to bring the Chinese to their senses… to teach them that sometimes you just have to let go of that which can bite you in the behind.

Imagine it… a huge Godzirra suit operated by the world’s greatest martial artist stomping around the ancient statues and stone works. Now all we need is Mothra…Battra… and Moguera to come stomping in. I wonder just how ole Chuck would stand up to these megaton monsters of Asian mythos. How would that big papier mache suit stand up to the fire breathing, acid breath, or event the silky strandlets? I’d take bets that good ole Chuck would be able to romp em… stomp em… and dropkick them to the moon just like he’ll do with China’s sorry state of let’s hide the world from our nation view point.

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
I fail at being lazy
By Ezra Mann (editor in spoof)

Article also featured at the Pauls Valley Daily Democrat

Somewhere in between birth and my childhood I missed being initiated into the accomplish-little section of society. Perhaps it is my parents or a government implanted chip to blame, but I can’t quite grasp how to become a pro at wasting my time.
I could sell self help books on procrastination and even give rousing lectures on getting distracted…ooo birdie, though no dice on the problem area. It does not make any sense that I can’t catch on in a nation that excels so well at being lazy. Can one try too hard?
I suppose I totally miss the mark when I tend to find a useful activity even when I am supposed to relaxing after a tough day. Free time for me means “crap, I forgot to take care of that list of 50 things to do around the house.”
Heck, I could even take a look at some of the people connected to either my wife or my own blood that could offer their fair share of pointers for how to barely squeak by. You know the ones, most of the time they let someone else pick up the slack and when they accomplish something themselves they lord it over everyone else like they’ve been slacker free all along (like let’s say people who have kids too early and then act like someone else is to blame for having to raise them before they catch up on misspent youth). Then again, I don’t have to look far for those that just don’t care if they are doing a decent job as long as they feel they can have more fun than responsibility.
I should probably write my congress persons to institute some sort of training program where I could learn the ways of no effort (then again who better to teach lazy than those serving multiple terms). I certainly didn’t learn that much even when I was last unemployed, spending too much time submitting applications and cruising the job posting locations.
The recession is giving me all the excuse I need to craftily appear downtrodden while hanging out with all the others too proud to work for every dollar. I guess I’m just too selfish to think only of my own needs while spending government assistance checks on lottery tickets. I feel so ashamed for giving up on living the get rich quick American dream.
Knowing my luck, each day this week I’ll keep up this whacky doing what I’m supposed to do ordeal with that train wreck called success waiting at the end of the track. If I’m not connected with a specialist soon I’ll also probably do more than I’m expected and not let the good people of don’t care reign me in.
I can’t be seen always setting such a good example in the community or people might be encouraged not to be leaches as well. Put me on medication; call the National Guard or even the president of every Star Trek fan club if necessary to make me less of a threat to the cause. Oh dear sweet readers, you may have yourselves been sucked in by reading my latest column and plea.

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