Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/23/09

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan

For a limited time, buy me out
By Ezra Mann (Editor in spoof)

It’s no mystery that a ridiculously long stint in unemployment can drive just about anyone to fantastic new levels of depression and self loathing. Since I’m not much for drinking myself to death or that whole substance abuse craze I try to drown out much of my drawn out agony in silly humor.
It might have been another week where I have to grasp at straws for that laugh medicine when I reminded myself that you can look at how bizarre some of the news is or at least waste time thinking of five things lists on Facebook. I’ve already poked fun at it already, but I have found goofy salvation again in the fact that the Walt Disney Company bought Marvel Entertainment recently. I just can’t let go of the giggle laden thoughts and a recent trip to social networking made me realize that I too could be a part of something just as magical.
I figured that if the house of mouse got to own and direct such characters as Wolverine, Spiderman and Iron Man that surely I might garner someone’s attention as well. The beauty of it is I’d be perfectly happy with half as many millions as those legendary comic book icons.
Additionally, I wouldn’t have to be painstakingly drawn repeatedly for a single frame of action because I’m as real as it gets. Simply cart me around in a private jet to shooting or promotional locations with a wardrobe and I guarantee my buyer their money’s worth. Wait, you mean actors do that kind of thing already?
Ok, but I come equipped with my own set of wisecracks and witty dialogue which would save all that money usually paid for script writers. Yes indeedy, I’d be spouting all kinds of lines and make the next blockbuster actually make money before it even hits theaters.
And don’t worry about cheap knockoff merchandise of me either, I can create all sorts of Ezra themed crap and make the Chinese actually pay me to give them lessons. Example, I just take the wrapper off a drinking straw and make a doll/action figure of myself and throw it in with a kid’s meal. Trust me; if it amazed my dad’s step mother, then it’s going to make a mint when the nuggets are ordered at the drive through window.
I can even compose my own theme music without having to bother hiring those overpaid drama queens like John Williams or Danny Elfman. If I need to save even more money I can throw out the instruments and hum some pretty sweet symphonies.
With all that and other limitless possibilities why wouldn’t you want to buy a little me time for your entertainment needs? I’m one of a kind baby and there’s no doubt that once I’m pushing up daisies that you can at least sell my image on a can of Dr. Pepper. Just make sure that you don’t use those images where I’m worshiping my charcoal grill.

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