Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/30/09

Thoughts from Nevada

Garden Gnomes
By Puns McKenna

Garden gnomes are those friendly looking little elderly gentlemen that sit in your garden and scare off the rabbits. What nobody knows about is their secret life... the one they lead at night.

At night these cute little fellahs shed their stiff skins and move about in the moonlight. Now if you are nice to your gnomes and treat them well, they will be nice to you. They won't do all those little tricks and pranks that they are so fond of. But if you aren't nice… if you let them chip, crack, or break… that's when you need to look out. They'll put holes in your garden hose… tear up your tulip bulbs… feed the rabbits your vegetables.

Take my advice… If you want to keep your garden safe from harm, you need to treat your garden gnomes with kid gloves. They need to be washed, dried, and kept in the shade. This keeps them from getting damaged and it makes your garden look a whole lot better, believe me.

There are some other things you can do to ensure that your garden stays safe and whole. You could leave the gnomes in your garden little barrels of ale. They are rather fond of the amber drink, afterall. Oh and don't forget to leave a little food out for them too. They also like those little croquet setups. They provide great fun for the gnomes.

Can you just imagine it? Little garden gnomes shedding their starched skins and running about in the grass, frolicking like little leprechauns. It's really a sight to see. However, you have to catch them in the act. That's the hard part, really. They don't like to let big folk, as they call us, to see them gadding about and having fun. Why do you think they made Rip Van Winkle drink their ale and sleep for twenty years? Do you think they wanted him to see them bowling for Bonzo in the mountains? Not likely.

See they have all these little tricks that they play on us big folk in order to have their lives be secret. They're safer if we don't know where they play, how they play, or why they play. No one knows how they reproduce. No one knows the truth of how their society works, though many believe that they operate much like leprechauns do.

Though there is much mystery surrounding these little critters, there is no doubt that one should always treat them with care. We wouldn't want them to come after us in large army's now would we? I can just see it now… "Revenge of the Gnomes!" I wonder if they have pocket protectors and calculators. Could be an interesting thing to find out. Might give people a better idea of how to handle those brainy garden gnomes. Give them something a little more intellectual to do in the garden at night.

Regardless of what we know or could know… it's always a good idea to be extra nice to your garden gnomes. You never know in what danger you could be.

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