Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/28/09

Is it better to be unemployed, or play the clown?
By Puns McKenna

We all know that today’s job market stinks, and even if the rest of you don’t, I do. Getting a job is a MAJOR pain in the tuckus at this point in economic history, and it isn’t going to get any better for the foreseeable future. So does that mean we need to sit on our keisters and mope about how none of us have jobs? Heck no! Have you ever considered a job that would be a fun alternative to whining? Well look no further, have I got the job for you!

Wait for it…

Ready for it?

Be a clown!

Yes, that’s right, being a clown is one of the most enjoyable, rewarding experiences you can have. I mean, think about it! Clowns get to go to all sorts of parties… entertain hundreds of people a month… and act like a complete ass without having to worry about what other people think about you.

Being a clown is a great experience. Do you always make other people happy? Of course not! There are some people out there that have a pathological hatred of clowns, others a pathological fear. Those knerds are few and far between, however. Besides, no one really pays attention to the ones who don’t like clowns. Why do you think clowns keep getting called to perform for them? Conversely, why do you think all those shrinks are doing so well?

I dunno about anyone else, but I’d rather bring happiness and joy to the masses than sit on my behind and let my woes pile up. How many clowns do you know that are sitting on the corner with a pint bottle inside a brown paper sack? Me? I know none, but I know a lot of poor slobs that are out of work. They always moan and cry about how they can’t get a job anywhere. They make noises about going back to school to get more skills, but that never happens because they don’t have the money. It’s a terrible catch twenty-two situation.

Let’s look at the benefits or perks, versus the drawbacks, shall we? First, to the benefits. You get to wear goofy clothes that don’t match. Who doesn’t want to live out their mother’s life-long nightmare of being dressed by colorblind gypsies? Another benefit, you get to eat food that you don’t have to pay for. You get paid to behave like a complete stumblebum for kids and adults alike. You’re more often than not thinner than a super model. Of course, the clown suit does have a tendency to make one look much beefier, though.

Now let’s look at the downsides of unemployment. There really aren’t any upsides to it, are there? Unemployment can truly suck. It drains any and all cash reserves that a person may have. It brings your moral down to an all-time low, and moves you into the slums. Of course, the step down from the slums is the cardboard box. Cardboard boxes and free clinics aren’t exactly what make life worth living if you ask me.

I’d take a clown suit over the tattered remains of a crumpled paper house any day of the week. Now, I’m not saying that a clown suit is for everyone, but it beats the alternatives.

Viruses jumping from computers to humans

By, Don Hellion

Recent reports of strange behaviors by some people have spawned concerns that computer viruses have started to jump to humans. There have been a number of strange incidents lately. In one case when somebody greeted a man by saying good morning to him he replied by announcing his name, address, phone numbers, social security number pin numbers, passwords and age. Doctors were perplexed by his actions then another family member mentioned that a worm that was sending all his personal data had recently infected his computer. It was turned up when it was scanned by AVG.

In another case a child started to repeat “April Fool” over and over again and was unable to stop. At first the parents though she was just goofing around until she would not stop after being punished not even a spanking could stop her. She was unable to eat or sleep and could not say anything other than “April Fools”. Her condition is so severe that Doctors finally had to put her in a drug-induced coma and feed her by IV. It turned out that a virus infected her computer as well.

The virus baffled scientists because they resemble nothing found in nature, their true nature was discovered when a computer tech saw an electron micrograph of one of these viruses and observed that it resembled computer code that was similar to a computer virus program. Micrographs of other viruses where then shown to other computer techs and several more of what have come to be called ‘Techno Viruses’ have been identified.

To date they have shown an immunity to standard antiviral drugs and most of the drug companies have been unable to figure out the codes. In many cases the codes have born a resemblance to computer viruses that have been successfully been countered by anti viral programs. Several drug companies have formed partnerships with \computer security program companies. In Germany Bayer has formed a partnership with AVG, In the United States Norton has partnered with Pfizer and MacAffee has teamed up with Proctor and Gamble.

One problem that has occurred is that while the computer security companies have been able to create programs to counter the program codes of the viruses the drug companies have not been able to create a drug that can imitate the computer codes. In desperation they have turned to IBM and Apple to see if it might be possible to create a hardware interface that would allow the anti-virus program to be inserted onto the human body. Thus far there has been limited success.

Gentec and Microsoft however have come up with an approach that shows promise. Their idea is to convert to anti-viral program to DNA and insert it into white blood cells. While it is too early to be sure it does appear that the modified cells under the working name ‘Windows White’ has had some success though some patents have frozen in place during treatment and have had to either have a defibribulator or electro-shock unit used on them to get them to ‘unfreeze’. Research is ongoing.

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