Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/13/09

YES to animals on steroids
By Cozmic
Today's society is hectic, ridiculously so, and the advance of technology makes it ever more hectic. We need time to check our Facebook, our Xanga, Twitter and whatever other semi-pointless things the internet consists of, as well as get our sleep, go to work and eat our food. This, coupled with a society that usually cares very little about animals anyway, means that yes, like that bigger bit of text at the top says, I think we should give steroids to animals. I lack the time to walk the dog on those days when he walks around smelling everything. Make him smell everything way faster, I say! If he bulks up, I also become free of actually having to pay attention and make sure he is safe. My 200-pound Chihuahua will sneer at your pathetic bike trying to run him over! Then he will devour your face, because he can do that, thanks to all those steroids!
The advantages do not stop at dogs, either. Imagine how much time you would gain to do something better if that romantic carriage-ride was over in half the time, or, if you feel like it, you could see twice as much riding around in the same amount of time.
Not to mention the advantages for wild-life animals, like beavers. They could build a dam with much more efficiency if those jaws worked just a little bit stronger. Predators would have less of a problem catching food, or maybe more, depending on which part of the food-chain gets God's super-bulk-up juice, or we can be generous and simply make nature a lot more interesting and even more frightening.
Even more uses can be found simply in case one goes looking. Who needs a crane when you have a giraffe to lift things with his super-strong, steroid-powered neck? Who needs bulldozers, we have elephants and steroids? We could dope up some eagles and have them fly us around instead of airplanes, saving the environment and feeling all good about ourselves.
What do we have to lose, really? The animals might feel terrible, but like I said, when did we, as a society, ever let something so silly as collateral damage to things stop us?

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