Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/31/09

Economic Downturn: Major banking corporation Denies Super Villain Loan.
By Puns McKenna

Today in news, we have local banking magnate, Jack Daniels Rockerfella denying claims that his bank would not give a loan to a well known super villain. The well known Mr. Stickyfingers has stated to this reporter in an exclusive interview that-

“Ms. McKenna, I tried to get a loan so I could pay off my cronies and this J.D. Rockerfella came out an personally denied me. It was awful! My cronies have started to revolt against me!”

I asked the bank owner, Mr. Rockerfella if the claims had any truth in them. Afterall, we all know how hardened criminals/super villains like Mr. Stickyfingers lie. Mr. Rockerfella declined comment at this time. I believe I heard him mutter something about how dirty rotten cheap crooks don’t deserve to be treated like people, as he was walking away. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure which side of the fence I sit on. However, I do know that if a super villain can’t get their money the honest way, then they’ll be holding up more banks, convenience stores, and coin operated laundry mats.

More than one super villain has been seen going into their local bank office, staying a long time, then coming out in extremely foul moods. It is unclear what is making them upset in this way, but I can hazard that they are all being denied legitimate loans.

In other news, rumors have been circling about the demise of Rockerfella Savings and Loans. Once again, Mr. Rockerfella has declined to comment, however, I was able to speak to one of his employees as he was getting roughed up by the very same super villain that I had seen being shooed out into the cold half an hour before. The employee was very forthcoming during the interview. He disclosed that Mr. Rockerfella had been shuffling people’s money off to a Swiss bank account for nearly a decade, and now had a rather large sum of cash. Upon hearing this, the Super Villain ceased his beating and left. It is unclear at this time what his plans are, however, I wouldn’t put it past him to go a raiding.

Alerted to their strange plight many wealthy super heroes have come to the aid of their arch nemeses. Even as we speak, it would seem that a protest march is being organized against banks everywhere. Many have stated that the recent economic situation is the fault of the banks alone, but others claim that it is the fault of our new celebrity president. The true culprit has remained duplicitously anonymous, but it’s only a matter of time before he or she is rousted by a mob of angry denizens.

Maybe we should all keep our eyes open for duplicitous activities, or at the very least keep our eyes on those phony baloney money mills we all call the bank. Afterall, we wouldn’t want to end up in a depression again because we weren’t watching what the bankers were putting into their own pockets, now would we?

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