Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/16/09

Is Al Qaeda Recruiting Water Fowl?
By Don Hellion

Recent events have raised the speculation of Al Qaeda opening a new front in their jihad by using waterfowl in suicide attacks on aircraft. There have been a lot of press reports concerning the recent ditching of an airliner in the Hudson River after suicide attacks by Canadian Geese…. But that was not the only attack, indeed the very next day another attack on an air ambulance smashing its windscreen and forcing it to make an emergency landing. As if that wasn’t enough, yet another Air Ambulance was hit a few days ago. In this attack the windscreen was smashed and the attacker landed in the pilots lap. The insidious thing about these attacks is the fact that first responders were targeted.

This new front might be the most difficult to counter since waterfowl regularly cross international borders without scrutiny. Indeed Waterfowl do not carry any form of identification so it is impossible to identify their country of origin. Additionally, they do not file any flight plans. So, there is no way to know if one is deviating from its normal flight path.

Another problem is the tendency of waterfowl to fly in large groups and without IDs. There is no way of identifying a terrorist bird or birds. This is complicated further by the fact that Waterfowl of a given species and gender all look alike so even if you can get a description of a suspect there is no way of determining the terrorist individual(s) in a given flock making terrorist waterfowl virtually impossible to track.

So far attempts at profiling have not been successful mainly because they all look and act alike. Also they refuse to give any information or testify in court about the activities of other waterfowl. Indeed, to date all attempts to infiltrate waterfowl cells have failed and to this point outside observations have yielded poor results.

Thus far the only methods that have yielded any kind of positive results has been to attack entire flocks without trying to differentiate between the terrorists and innocent waterfowl. While this tactic has been able to reduce the attacks by avian terrorists, there is a lot of uproar over the amount of collateral damage this tactic causes. Many avian rights groups have voiced objections to these methods even though they are effective in protecting aircraft from attacks.

One of the most puzzling aspects of these tactics is the lack of training facilities. It seems that the avian terrorist have been quite successful in concealing their training camps, Indeed they even have been able to conceal the recruitment process. To date there has been no intel on where or how they manage to locate and recruit individuals that could be persuaded to carry out these attacks. Again we have thus far failed to ascertain the characteristics that could be used to determine if a given waterfowl could be susceptible to recruitment for terrorist activities.

The concern is that if we cannot figure out how they recruit the avian terrorists that the problem could only get worse and require the use of mass shooting of flocks of waterfowl in the vicinity of airports.

Highway robbery or Grave Robbing?

By Puns McKenna

The Body Trade has grown at an alarming rate. It has grown to accommodate the new prices of commodities, in a way that rivals the skin trades of old.

Today’s gasoline prices, for example, cost an arm and a leg. At the pump they don’t specify whose arm or leg, so it is perfectly viable to offer your friend’s in exchange for gas. However, it has been found that most people prefer to use used parts as payment.

Many ground’s keepers have been seen exhuming newly buried caskets in order to sell the recently deceased’s limbs on the black market. No one wants to turn them in because there is such a great demand, and no one is willing to give up their own arms and legs.

Reports have begun circulating recently that there will be an increase in prices. They will be going up to both arms, both legs, and the pelvis. At the current rate of increase, products and services will soon cost as much as one body. It remains to be seen whether or not restrictions will be put on the body trade.

Let’s look at how the Jones’ are getting along during this crisis as compared to the Martin’s, shall we?

On Monday, Mrs. Jones delves into the large icebox that her family keeps out in the garage. She removes three arms and four legs. Placing them inside a leak proof burlap sack, she carries them to her family’s minivan where she has already buckled her young daughter Janine into her safety seat. Placing them in the back, she drives to the local supermarket. Her young daughter complains about the funny smell coming from the backseat, but Mrs. Jones does not respond. It is likely because she fears to tell her impressionable child the grisly truth.

Same day, Monday, Mrs. Martin also goes into the garage where her family keeps their supply of body parts. Removing several parts, not just arms and legs, she places them in her family sedan where her ten-year-old sits buckled. Sliding behind the wheel she smiles at her son and tells him they’re going to exchange their body part stock for goods at the local grocery store. The boy simply nods and wonders aloud how many body parts they have left.

It is disturbing to see and hear, but even the young are learning that the body part trade is a major part of their household budget. They are learning to be frugal and buy better deals, stretching their illegal contraband to the limits in order to keep from being prosecuted.

It is rapidly becoming a proven method of economic education for the nations youth, this horrid body part trade, and it gives a whole new meaning to that old phrase. “It costs an arm and a leg… and a torso…a head… some feet….” However, you’ll still have to go to a certified organ dealer to get those internal organs you need for that complete Frankenstein’s Monster kit you purchased with your used body parts.

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