Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/9/09

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
Cats go to church, Dogs are extremists
By Ezra Mann (Editor in Spoof)
The more I observe the canine and feline world, the more I am spooked by the downright eerie similarities. On a few occasions I have noted the ways cats are either two brain cells short of a Forrest Gump or like humans, but only recently did I get a chance to start observing how dogs fell into the equation.
Now, I will note that I am no stranger to dogs and had a few of them growing up, but they were all intelligent, well trained beggars. Sadly, the first dog that just had to enter my life (a couple of months ago) as a married man only continued the downward spiral of non-intelligence. But, that’s a depressing tale for another day because this day our furry friends are going to chapel.
As a Christian man I am not ashamed to say I believed that a higher power created the world, but even I begin to question “Intelligent” design when it comes to religious practices. However, it’s not just in quirky humans that we see expressions of Sunday praise, for when you really think about it, humans have taken it upon themselves to act as an omnipotent force to the creature kingdom.
Since we have domesticated some of these species, each of them pays homage to their guardians in a different way, some more grateful of their sanctuary than others. Cats are more like the average human with some going for the attention gusto and others either not going at all or only for the occasional mandated holiday. Dogs are the extremists of group, doing anything they see fit to get that attention, even if it results in a few casualties.
Cats share so many worshiping similarities with humans that you could even divide them up into similar denominations. Don’t believe me, just replace Judas the person with a cat at the last supper and we’ll see how differently the betrayal goes down. (The cat would do it faster if you open a can of soft food)
Even if you just stuck to Protestants and Catholics, some cats would be fine serving one master and the others would leap into the lap of many other strangers as if they were the saints that bought them kibble. Then you get the Pentecostal kitties that wail and speak tongues when you don’t pay attention to them or the Mormon Kitties who show up on your doorstep and expect you to treat them like a long lost relative. Don’t even get me started on those fat Baptist cats who will miss three Sundays in a row and then show up to gorge on the potluck supper!
Dogs are another evil breed all together, they will jump to praise their masters at any chance and once given the notion, destroy if need be even the property of their owners to satisfy their attention greed. Heck, if they actually listened, they might even be the number one recruit of sinister purpose groups. (Like PETA or the United States Postal Service)
Don’t fall for those “puppy eye” sermons and the whimpering prayers; it’s just a ruse they use to distract you from what they’re really up to. Yes, these extremists are the worst and there’s little we can do but scratch them behind their smug little ears. Yes, our beloved pets, cold hearted and yet so lovable.

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