Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/2/09

The miracle that could save America at 2010 Olympics
By Puns McKenna
So the USA hasnít got what it takes, huh? Says who? So we arenít sending old worn blood to the Olympics in 2010. Is that any reason to cry over spilt milk? Of course not! Letís look at it this way. We arenít sending Michelle Kwan, or Tanya Harding, or any of the people who have caused the US certain amounts of embarrassment over the years. Weíre sending the new hopefuls.

And what do they have going for them? Everything, of course! Yes, itís true that the Asians and even the Russians seem to have better skaters than us, but thatís nothing to worry over. Anybody know why? Itís easy enough. The USA is planning to use the new blue screens that have been specially designed to withstand the cold conditions on the ice.

In a shocking confession, one skater revealed that he would be projecting the Incredible Hulk on the blue screen behind him as he skates. It was unclear whether he meant the 2008 movie or whether he meant the 1978 Television Series. However, it seems to me that images of the large green muscleman running around, might distract from the skaterís performance.

The US may be able to pull a victory out of this, but wouldnít it be better if we were to magically get some of the talent from the past showing up? Maybe we can spirit them all back using the time travel device from Millennium. Wouldnít that be something? Then we could have all of the skaters from the sixties and seventies. You know, all those people that were really good skaters in their prime?

Of course, if the skaters that are going would just project the skaters of old on the blue screens behind them as they skate, then perhaps the judges would be lulled by the professionals and pay very little attention to the noobs. I mean we wouldnít want to lose because our people werenít good enough, would we? That is what the blue screens that we see in recent skating performances are for afterallÖ distraction.

I just hope they can perfect the technology enough by the time 2010 rolls around. I mean we wouldnít want to see the shadow of the edge of the screen on the ice. Itís a bit of a distraction to the audience, who is there to see a good show. Weíll just forget the ones that go to the Olympics to be snotty little judges. Afterall, we donít want to have spare a thought for the technicality and inanity of the aficionados. We just want to enjoy the spectacle, so long as itís well put together.

 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2009©
Menu Bar By Albatross