Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 2/13/09

Thoughts from Nevada
Getting Jiggy in the Wild
By Puns McKenna
No one ever knew what a business proposition sex was until they looked at a bunch of macaques. I’ll groom you if you have sex with me, must be a pretty powerful tool in the monkey world. Makes me wonder if the species will evolve enough or perhaps it is devolve enough to have harems like walrus’ do. Though I do feel inclined to think that macaques have it a LOT better than jumping spiders.
Jumping spiders take it to Atlantic City. Little virgin females all dressed in white go happily off to seek the biggest burliest guy in leathers that they can find. They get their one night stand that they’re after so they can go back to all their little girlfriends and tell how they lost it to the biggest, baddest spider on the block. So now they can go settle down with prince charming next door that’s smaller and less likely to bite their head off if they stay. I keep seeing the little set of craps dice rolling across the floor. “What are the odds he’s going to eat me when he’s done mating with me?”

How about Rhino’s? First off… if you’re into beastiality then go for it. At least now we know where people got their idea for… cringe… water sports. Apparently Rhino’s like to teach humans weird in mating practices. Though I’m not sure how they taught humans how to make Panda Porn. I mean how the heck do we know what gets those black and white bears or nots off? And is that something we really want to know? Not me! Don’t get me wrong. Everyone is entitled to pursue what makes them happy, within the set laws and such, but do we really need to get into dressing up female panda’s up in sexy lingerie so the males will not become bored and go after a tree instead?

How about the knowledge that Japanese sap beetles come in three different sizes, but the one with the biggest testicles is the smallest of the bunch? What does that mean, that he’s all testes and no brains? And talk about a succubus. The female Antelope… Those girls got issues. They spend about one day of their mating season absolutely rompaliscious. They want it and they want it now as many times as the poor guys can give it. And heaven help the poor guy if he tries to go after a girl that isn’t yet trying to tear his throat out for sex. His recently romped conquest will do everything she can to keep him away from the new girl.

Oh! And how about we heat the world up about 25° so that we can pollinate a nice cool girl? Cycads do this all the time. What’s a Cycad? Is it a bug, beast, or plant? It’s a plant that allows these little insectoids called thrips to nest in them. And when it’s mating season the males heat up to kick out their guests. The girls are always cool and receptive though. Would that make cycads, thrip Pimps? I mean look at it. Males entice the little thrips into their cones by smelling all sweet and stuff. They let the little buggers roll around in their pollen and get all slick and sexy and fattened up. Then they turn up the heat just enough to push the critters at females in order to pollinate them. Sounds like sex for pay to me, and the cycads are setting it all up. So from the logic flow it does look like the are thrip pimps.

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