Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 1/30/09

Xphile’s Tapes XXVI: What Now For Dubya
By Grey Xphile
You know me, I’m not the kind of guy to do the obvious thing, such as a Presidential Predictive or Retrospective.
Everyone’s doing one, looking forward with Obama in charge as if he’s the greatest thing since the Black Scott Baio redid all those 80’s sitcoms. Or looking back on Bush as the single biggest mistake America made since letting the Beatles play on the Ed Sullivan show without pants.
Don’t say it wasn’t a mistake, in those days the Brits didn’t have the detergent to spare for proper underwear hygiene!
There’s also a few Obama retrospectives, where he came from, background, been done to death and is now being used to teach English to half of Asia.
So I thought I’d be moderately original in the ripping off I would do and write up predictive for George W. Bush.
Okay, to be honest I’m just tired. It seems like everything dangerous is nocturnal these days and everything interesting loves lunch at Starbucks or McDonalds. I miss the days when everything conspiratorial loved shadows and darkness and wasn’t on mailing lists or get coupons.
Now a lot of people think GW is going to just sit on his ranch somewhere and twiddle his thumbs just as if he were still in the Oval Office. Not likely in my book.
You see, he comes across like an idiot, he may very well be an idiot, the second dumbest man to ever sit in that chair (I don’t care what anyone says, Woodrow Wilson couldn’t add!), even a complete puppet.
However this moron and puppet was at the centre of one of the most powerful government organisations in the world. Hobnobbing with royals, celebrities, aliens, giant lizards and riding dolphins in the weekends.
I contend that George W. Bush, former University Party Boy, will take up his old habits. Indulging in keggers with Tony Blair and Vordermort, the evil wizard who has served as a basis for a similar character in the Harry Potter novel series.
Not only that, but there will be weeklong barbeques on the Bush ranch, where such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Darth Vader, Boss Hogg and former Australian Prime Minister John Howard will gather. There they shall network, reminisce about the good old days and plot the eventual passing of an amendment that will allow a former two term President to run for additional non-consecutive terms.
If you think that’s unlikely to happen keep in mind that it isn’t just Republicans who want this, and will probably result in four more years of intern molesting and chocolate sauce related Clinton scandals.
And if you’re wondering where Dick Cheney is in all this, don’t. No one likes him, he’s a downer and always eats all the good mustard.
Not George W, nooooooo. You see, because no matter the public perception of the man he has always been polite and consciences. Why, every war was started with a please and a thank you.
So don’t worry about Dubya’s wellbeing, he’s got a lot to do with all that time on his hands.
Worry instead about the possibility that he’ll run for Mayor of New Orleans.


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