Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 10/23/08

Limitless potential for abandonment in Nebraska

By Ezra Mann (Editor and Southern Bred Punster)

However, even though I tried the patience of more than a few dozen adults growing up, my parents never even thought of abandoning me. Smothering me in my sleep yes, abandonment no. Yet, due to a legal stroke of genius, parents looking for a way out have discovered a way to drop the kids off permanently without penalty or punishment in the state of Nebraska.

My initial thoughts after hearing about a few large drop-offs of youngins was that the parents were beyond selfish and if someone can’t handle the pressure, don’t have wee ones in the first place. Then again, why get preachy when we can actually use this negligent litigation for a more beneficial potential.

First off, we’ll begin by putting up a fence around the entire state of Nebraska. After that, we install a few gates which will serve as heavily guarded entry/exit points and section off parts of the state for certain mortgage/investment bankers, politicians and all the people who think Larry the Cable Guy is funny. Then we revoke the statehood and make it a prison dictatorship with roman gladiatorial combat as the sole form of entertainment.

Instead of abandoning children we can change things around to abandon the less desirable segments of the American population and start with the politicians. Ok, we can’t abandon them all, but being an election year we’ll just take all the incumbents and let the country get a chance to start all over.

I mean really, these guys were already given a chance to fix things when you elected them the first time and unless there has been some real progress in your community it’s just taking the failure and making lemonade or something else out of it. The politicians must now fight for their lives instead of votes and we can televise their demise and make some money on the side. Sure, we’d be without John McCain or Barack Obama, but there’s no shortage of third party guys who might actually make a difference.

Next, we follow up with a few select mortgage/investment bankers and people who think Larry the Cable Guy is funny since both seem to grow and fester the longer they are around. See, we take the jerks who control these failing giants along the lines of AIG and people who think ignorant white trash humor is funny and make them give something back for a change.

Why continue to give money to banks that will take it and throw lavish parties or continue to invest it badly when those little twits can be ripped to shreds by rednecks who no longer have access to NASCAR or “git er done” as motivation? Hell, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall or that drunken tater salad guy don’t need a stupid guy addition to their crew with the material they’ve got. This will then allow us to repopulate the earth with those with some semblance of intelligence.

I don’t understand why when we have these stupid laws that we can’t just modify them to be a little better. While we’re at it we could even take the patriot act and change it from spying on Americans to spying on Hollywood to stop another Saw or Uwe Boll movie.

Do we really need to abandon the future decision makers of our society or can we get rid of some of those that make conditions stay the way they are? There isn’t much time left before we are stuck with four years of the same or something different. Prove to me that I’ve just wasted your time.