Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/18/08

Xphileís Tapes XXIV: Five Questions For Consideration
By Grey Xphile
I like to think Iím writing to an intelligent, imaginative and receptive audience.
Under no circumstance do I delude myself into thinking youíre all checking under the cereal box for that Morelock tracking device, and Iím sure you donít all quite think that the Illuminati are planning to turn Canada into a giant icebox to better facilitate the worldís biggest kegger, though I will give you credit for thinking that one (per person) idea filters through and sticks.
So this time, instead of answers Iím simply going to ask questions and let you come to your own conclusions. Because if youíre anything like me youíll come up with the same damning answers.
1. What is it about Angelina Jolie that she keeps getting into movies?
Take into account that her lips are sentient slugs strapped to her mouth, her breasts are held in place by secret antigravity technology the government is keeping out of the hands of ordinary people and that the name Angelina did not exist until twelve years ago.
2. Where are all the spiders going?
Everyone keeps thinking about the loss of honey bees, but really itís just a cover for diminishing spider populations in most of Europe and Asia. It doesnít sound important unless you consider that spiders are responsible for two thirds of all frivolous law suits and one quarter of all skateboard related hot glue gun mishaps.
3. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was named Larry?
No, really. Think about this one long and hard. Itís so much deeper than the usual woodchuck limerick if you just take a moment to carefully consider the full ramifications of a woodchuck named Larry. If your eyes donít start bleeding it means youíre not thinking hard enough. If your ears start bleeding thatís too long.
4. If there is, as we are so often told by ďexpertsĒ that there is no life on Mars then where did all the cows come from?
Yes, this one is in code, sorry but youíre just going to have to think a little bit harder on this one than the others, itís just that world shatteringly important.
Shatteringly is a euphemism and should not be taken as indication that finding out cow related answers will cause large scale planetary fragmentation.
Also if this one causes any sort of bleeding please consult a medical professional, and not one of those ones in the hospital.
5. If this article is about five questions why are there only four? And if by asking that one Iíve made if five isnít asking this one making it six and therefore invalidating the title of this piece anyway?

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