Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 6/9/08

Rising gas prices may strand Hummers
By, Cozmic

It is no secret that gas prices everywhere are skyrocketing, and the U.S complains that they now have to pay like half of what everyone else does and still think they're paying too much, the spoiled brats.
However, the gas shortage might lead to one of the funniest sights in the past decade or so, or possibly make you even more angry, depending on who you are. The gas shortage might cause all those SUVs to simply become stranded hulks of a lost age, proof to mankind's former wealth.
(In case you are wondering why this is hilarious, I will assume you own one of the aforementioned gas-guzzling freaks, rather than laughing or scoffing at them like the rest of us. If you actually use it for something besides buying groceries, minor power to you, by the way).
All those rich-boy Hummers, getting an amazing four or less miles per gallon, don't look so good anymore, and in some sates these are already seen wraith-like by highways, their owner's having to face the fact that a) running out of gas on the highway is a Bad Thing(TM) and b) they are too expensive to refuel. They could refuel a Boeing 747 for less at this point.
Of course, the question then becomes what to do with all of these Hummers, instead of just letting them sit there. Some people want to convert them to housing for the poor, meaning the people who tried to fuel the things. Another idea is to melt them all down and sell to China in hopes they mass-produce more cheap goods in return, an idea which has, due to political reasons, been met with a lot of adversity. The third controversial option is to simply remold the things into tanks, conquer another country and get cheaper gas, but considering how well that turned out last time, support for this idea is sort of limited to nuts, psychos, and people who have mastered the art of denial, but have not mastered the art of reading.
Regardless of which is chosen, it seems to be the end of needlessly large vehicles not meant for military use, and everyone who likes the environment sort of cheers because this means we might stop harassing it so much, although it is mainly because you can't beat on a dead horse for too long.

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