Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/29/08

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
Voting on the Road again
By Ezra Mann (Editor and Road Kill Cafe Cook)

In a time that gas prices have grabbed America by the unmentionables, it can just about make anyone sick to think about the cost of travel. But, in the spirit of ignoring how bad it really is, I’ve come to a very interesting conclusion during my latest extended drive.
Yes brothers and sisters, I’ve seen the headlights and they’ve told me now that you can apply almost any type of politician to someone you’ve shared the road with. Why, you have the wacky right laners and those that hippy hover in the left and the angry gun enthusiasts that’ll blow you off the interstate for looking at them funny. However, that’s only the beginning my faithful followers.
Sure I can’t name every ignorant facet without taking up the whole newspaper (perhaps a chance to save something for sequel humor pieces), but I’ll go ahead and start with the evangelical roadster. Oh you better believe there is a Pat Robertson of the road with his I hate them dang foreigners bumper sticker driving and passing as if he were guided by the hand of asphalt almighty.
His followers are pretty easy to spot because to them it’s not rude driving as it’s divinely inspired to say the man upstairs told them to drive like a herd of sheep. Thou shalt not pass us bretherin, we’re on a mission to block any normal flow of traffic and convince the world there is one singular vision that just happens to be ours. If that doesn’t rock your boxers, you could be a Jeremiah Wright driver and flip off anyone who dares drive a pale vehicle.
Perhaps the next driver on our list should be the savvy super environmentalist driver with a death wish. You know who you are, you Al Gore inspired gear shifters with your fuel efficient and mostly plastic bodies Joan Rivers would die to have.
Your mission into life is to find the bulkiest and most stubborn person to piss off by cutting them off and daring them to plow you into the earth you love so dearly. Never mind that any good driving experience is eased into and well thought out, you’re determined to not be seen as conservative, but bullying the rest to the point they wish there was a middle lane where they could legitimately escape. Forget some half-n-half choice like a Chevy Obama; we got to fight on in ignorance in our Ford Hillary.
Finally, there are the rest of us just trying to make it from point A to point B without feeling like we have to play hit and run at the ballot box. We hate to tread on only two choices, but goodness forbid we take a take anything other than what we are told to drive.
The locks are stuck and we can’t climb out the passenger side window for fear that we might risk scraping our knees on the pavement of experience. It’s like we pretend we’re sports cars lovers and settle for the butt-ugly Scion boxy van thing. Honk if you love only being diverse in speech and not action.
I think somewhere along the way we lost our way or perhaps we never knew which way were going in the first place and said the heck with a lifesaving seatbelt. We would love gas prices to go down, but let’s face it; we’d actually have to put forth some effort to accept cheaper alternatives.
Who needs necessary sacrifice, when you can let those in charge continue to mock your suffering. Then again, maybe there’s hope we won’t keep using the stupid drive-thru and take smart exit. I’m sure the world can keep going once we’re not flubbing it up anymore.

When Mosquito’s Attack!
By, Puns McKenna
Picture it. You’re sitting on a nice dry grassy hill enjoying the late afternoon sun. Suddenly you feel the slight sting of a pinprick bite. You automatically reach up to smash the offensive insect and find yourself inundated, swarmed, and literally buried by millions of vicious bloodthirsty parasites.
After a nice hot sweaty day you really just want to sit back and enjoy a cold beverage, right? Well that isn’t what the Mosquito’s have planned. It seems pretty apparent that they want to take over the world. They bite us…make us itch like crazy…take our blood. They’re doing covert genetic experiments I know it. They take our blood and are trying to create the perfect species of human that will be nothing but docile food.

We’re mosquito cattle. That’s what they want our blood for. When they have the perfect species of human to feed off of…mindless soil shoving fools… then they will take over. We all know that mosquito’s run things better than us humans anyway, right? You don’t see mosquito’s killing each other off in stupid Holy Wars nor for the right to eat, do you?

These little vermin are smart. They breed like crazy so that they have plenty of soldiers to fight for their cause. I just know they’re planning to take over the world. Look at how many of them there are compared to us. Look at how organized and methodical their behavior is. They don’t even come out till dusk! They wait until the heat of the day has died down and come out en masse to stab us with their steely little blood sucking snouts.

They break over us like a wave, drowning us in the depths of their blood filled orgies. I’m telling y’all. These little fiends are evil… pure EVIL. They want to make the world over to be their haven. Afterall 75% of the Earth’s surface is made up of some sort of water. All they need is the mucky swampy land to breed. Stagnant water is enough for them. And with their own private cattle yards, the mosquito population would boom. We’d be more outnumbered than we already are.

A word of caution from this reporter… Smack down every one of those little flying assassins that you can. It’s safer. It keeps us from becoming the next V.

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