Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/16/08

Remove the Bees… Rule the World!
By, Puns McKenna

Recent studies of the honeybee population in the United States have shown alarming numbers. The total population of kept honeybees has dropped 36.1 percent since last year. New diseases, pesticides, old enemies, and new are the evil cause behind the drops. We all know about the diseases that befall bees, and we know all about pesticides and other bugs. But what do we know about the new enemy to bees?
Would you believe that the new enemy of bees is a single human? The shock is not yours alone. When I found out about this nefarious plot I was appalled. From a certain point of view this gentleman has a valid dislike of bees. Being stung by them as a child is a traumatic experience that sticks with you all your life. But is it really enough to want to wipe out an entire population? Would that be called Hymenoptericide?

You may be wondering who this serial bee killer is. I shudder to think that this man is running our country. That’s right, President Bush has revealed his hatred of bees and his plans to kill them all. He wants to replace their honey with a synthetic mixture that will help him to gain control over the populace of the world.

Security cameras caught footage of a tall man in a cowboy hat spraying a foreign chemical on the hives in a mid-western Apiary. The footage was grainy and dark so it took almost a week to identify the culprit, but when they did the owners of the Apiary contacted the White House. A spokesman for the President took a message and asked them to call back the next day.

It was obvious when they called back that the owners of the Apiary were no longer angry, and miraculously the President was easily able to explain his reasons. The incidence of Apiaries across the U.S. being sabotaged finally caught the attention of the media late last month. It took reporters a long time to trace down the paper trail and phone calls of the Apiaries involved. When they did articles started flooding out. Now, people all across the U.S. are in a near state of panic. And the President is sitting back gleefully laughing as another bee bites the dust.

So what does the dying bee population do to us? Aside from the fact that it takes away a source of sweet vitamin rich flavor-packed goo? I think it’s simple. Bees make the flowers grow. They pollenate the flowers and carry the nectar back to their hives. It is a sweet by product of ensuring that the plants and flowers continue to grow.

Could you live without honey? Could you make it through a day without putting honey on your biscuits? Could you drink your tea without the sweet taste of the honeybee’s nectar? I doubt anyone can. So why should we let our elected leader… the figurehead of our great country kill off the bees? Synthetic honey is not the answer. It’s only a way to ensure that all the world becomes happy little automatons.

Having ruled the United States for the last eight years, Mr. President has expanded his view. He wants to take over the world. If we let him continue to kill off the bees, we’ll all be eating barbecue for all three meals each day. Beer…chips…and lip-smacking spare ribs. I shudder to think of the paper towels the world would go through.

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