Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/6/08

Goldilocks and the three bears to sue Hillary Clinton
By, Cozmic

Yes, you read that correctly, and you really should not be surprised. After all, Goldilocks has spent most of the money she gained on fame and fortune trying to find things that were just right, and is now in serious need of some cash. And being in a litigious or cash-starved place and needing to use the defibrillator on her career, what could come more in handy than Hillary Clinton, just about to perhaps get some place with this whole presidential candidate thing after all, comparing herself to Goldilocks? Perhaps if John McCain or Barack Obama had said it, but the fact still stands that Goldilocks jumped at the chance to sue Clinton for defamation of character, citing that “being compared to that old hag is downright harmful to my career! I could get Bill in the sack, she couldn't!” Obviously it is a pretty cheap shot, but Goldilocks considerably more powerful friends, the three bears, have shown their support, making the lawsuit carry considerably more weight.
The three bears have spent most of their time pooling their resources and ending up on a very lovely average spending on most things due to going down the extremes. Clinton's implications would mean that they were then McCain or Obama, and this did not sit well with the bears at all. However, the bears are not poor enough to spend their last dime chasing frivolous lawsuits, so instead they merely pointed out just how mad they are at Clinton, and of course, thus, fueling Goldilocks accusations and quickly catapulting themselves to witness status.

It is widely believed that Clinton does not have time to argue in front of a court and as such will try to settle out of court or, better yet, have the entire lawsuit dismissed. “How can I defame her character, she doesn't have any character!” Clinton was quoted as saying, clearly putting her foot in her mouth again. Unfortunately for Goldilocks, she cannot use this statement to sue the NY senator again, but it will most likely be used in the upcoming case as an argument to why Clinton should pay her lots of money.
Exactly why Clinton found it necessary to compare herself to Goldilocks in the first place is really anyone's guess, as being in the middle was really more of a bear thing, Goldilocks just came and stole everything, which might say an awful lot about Hillary's campaign. Of course, if Hillary views herself as a thief, is that really what we want in the White House (as opposed to the blathering morons)?
Goldilocks' attorney, Larsen E. Pettifogger, has said that the needless bashing of Goldilocks can only call for a hundred million dollar repayment, money Clinton is currently quite dependent on, and, should she become the Democratic nominee, money she will be forced to hang on to since all democrats except the ones running are poor social leeches who could never get a high paying job like born-millionaire or people trying to break with their parents by not voting republican.

Regardless of just how this catfight turnsout, either Goldilocks or Clinton will be sorely strapped for cash and most likely become infamous.

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