Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/24/08

Straight from the Swede:
Disallow cookie-eaters to vote!
By, Cozmic
Yes, yes you did read that right. Those fat jerks are ruining democracy by letting themselves be bribed with sweets! I mean, all little Jimmy wanted to do was be class president, but did Jimmy bring cookies to school on election-day? No. Did his arch-rival George, the neo-nazi? Of course he did, because George decided to win and enlisted the aid of his mom, who knows election tactics. And as everyone knows, there are some people who will do anything for a treat, including voting for the devil or worse! They, quite simply, have about the same morals as a crooked cop, or a bribed judge, or a bus driver, which is to say, none. They sell their souls for a simple cookie, they change your future, for a simple cookie, and there is nothing we can do about it except either ban cookies or just not allow the saps to vote!
Of course, everyone likes cookies, or almost everyone, but this is the same as saying that everyone likes heroin. Everyone would like heroin too, but we know that such things are bad, horrible and oh so sweet and lovely, you could sign a petition to re-instate Fidel as president just to get a fix, and that is why we just don't let candidates in political campaigns hand out heroin! It is simply not fighting fair, like using a gun in a game of rock-paper-scissors and offing the competition.
Everyone, including the people who have kicked the bad habit of cookies or sweet, sweet heroin, knows that there are far better things than “what will this cookie taste like?” to consider when deciding who to elect, such as “does this help my financial situation, and only mine?” or “does this let me repress all those people I dislike due to some weird religious viewpoint I have?”, or “does this let me hate on the weird kid even more?”. Get your priorities straight cookie-eaters, or we will simply forbid you to vote, as is the proper thing to do! Get your hand out of that jar, get the monkey off your back, and go find out who's policies you endorse, or I swear I will run my very own campaign to bust you back to the second-grade citizens you are! I could not win such a campaign fairly, of course, so just like neo-nazi George I will win it unfairly! I will hand out so many cookies you will all make me your god and let me get away with whatever I want, and then, once you are no longer allowed to vote, I will abdicate and sanity shall rule the world once more! I either win, or you refuse to vote for me and my cookie-hating ways, choosing the guy who does not bribe you, finally making sense, and either way, my ultimate goal will be achieved!
While this is hardly in the style of the man, I'd like to dedicate this article to the memory of Swedish humour-columnist Kjell Swanberg, a man who constantly made the paper on Mondays and Thursdays a little bit better with his great sense of playing with words, politics and everything else I enjoy.

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