Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/16/08

Mickey Mouse out as Favored Write in Candidate
By Ezra Mann (Editor and member of the Pun Party)
As the Election Day for freewheeling idiot, er I mean President of the United States of America gets closer, Americans who haven’t made up their mind yet consider either picking from the remaining, a third party or a write in. A certain Disney Icon has seen his fair share of votes since the mid 1950s, but in a time that increasingly needs something more hip, it may be time to dump the house of mouse.
Let’s face it, while it may have been cool to say you were voting for Mickey Mouse back when he had a club of child slaves or at least stood out from the crowd a bit more, but even Goofy’s pal may be losing his luster. That’s why I think it is high time we take a look at a slightly more relevant vote toss-away when November bursts in on the calendar. It’s ok, maybe if Mickey is really evil this year he can run on the vice presidential ticket with Hillary Clinton.
My first consideration of course has to be SpongeBob SqaurePants, that yellow water absorbing freak from way down under. What’s more cool than a guy who can both appeal to nerds and jocks on the surface and having a best friend with the same I.Q. as our current Commander-in-Chief?
He lives in an environmentally friendly house under the sea and he flips patties like we’re all expected. Heck, as far as policy he doesn’t care much for war and his evil arch nemesis just wants a secret recipe and can be squashed if too aggressive. Then again, he might not even be eligible to run since Bikini Bottom may not even sit on the same continental shelf as the United States.
Next on the list has got to be Kim Possible, the daring and young Disney crime fighter with a heart of gold and sidekick/boyfriend, Ron, who has a fetish for cheap southwest food. (http://disney.go.com/dxd/index.html go here if you’ve never seen an episode) Since the show has pretty much been finalized this imaginary candidate has plenty of time to serve your needs with plenty of experience at home and the global front.
Why vote for Dipstick McCain when you’ve got someone who can really use cheerleading to take down terrorism instead of hiding it under a war that didn’t have anything to do with it in the first place? Heck, even PETA sympathizers could throw in their votes with Ron’s naked mole-rat, Rufus taking something like secretary of state. Other than lack of age qualification, it’s all good in the polling hood.
For my final fake candidate I think we’ll go with someone on the live acting arena, Hellboy. This comic book character turned moderate movie sensation (As portrayed by Ron Pearlman) would definitely be a fringe turned possible grassroots candidate that could rule with a harder than iron fist.
He wouldn’t even need to do much as far as advertising his hellish run for the White House other than slap a vote for me tag at the end of the movie sequel trailer. Yeah it might blow that whole secret society thing he has going on, but Hellboy is the kind of no-nonsense take care of your people at home kind of thing that all current politicians ignore. Besides, someone is bound to write in Walker Texas Ranger and we can’t rely on the Hallmark Channel to run our nation’s capitol.
I’m sure there will be plenty of other choices made to prove the fact that most of the voting population can’t seem to pick someone who might actually help America. Then again, who can blame them if none of the popular media selected dimwits are actually worth electing.
Times like these I wish we were already colonizing space so I could buy some Mars real-estate and open my own build-a-enchilada shop. Maybe then I can join a society that isn’t overly concerned with self-worth and who’s the next washed up American Idol. I’ll by the food if you supply the spaceship.


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