Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/2/08

The implications of fake global warming
By Ezra Mann (Editor and Winter Thrill Seeker)
Apparently even with the global climate warming overall with enough proof to choke an elephant, the political climate has remained steadily ignorant. According to Marc Morano, the communications director for the Republican minority on the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, a snow storm in china and a thin sheet of ice reappearing in the Arctic means that whole global warming trend is a bunch of hooey.
Never mind that the ice reappearing is not enough to actually make up for the devastating thaw or that most areas of America where winter was at least somewhat a norm havenít seen a prolonged cold snap this ďwinter.Ē No, politicians and their dwindling paid skeptics have always known better. But, being the sarcastic soul that I am, letís consider a few other things if we are naïve enough to believe Morano. (Canít spell Morano without Moron)
If global warming is a hoax or something we should ignore, perhaps this means that I donít have to pay off my student loans or credit cards. Thatís right; those annoying billing statements that constantly remind me to pay up are actually a part of a huge scheme to get people to act responsible when they shouldnít have to.
By golly, this is America, weíre too dang proud to pay any taxes, why the heck should we give into promises we made when we sign a contract for Visa or MasterCard. (Feel free to insert other bank crippling brand of your choice) In fact, my cell phone will also stay on if I tell Sprint to piss off because that bill is also a hoax. It works for rich America to play the system, why canít I?
In fact, since I am going to be so stingy with my money I believe Iím going to stop filling up my gas tank on my van. Itís a well known lobbyist fact that filling up your tank is really just a myth of auto makers to fool you into thinking that vehicles run on fuel.
My van will run perfectly well if I decide to not replenish that unleaded supply it doesnít need. I guess this also means that changing oil, inflating tires and a dead battery wonít be much of a problem as well. Isnít this game of personal denial a blast?
I suppose this means that I donít even need to go to work anymore since a job is a fake ideal of that fantasy we call capitalism. Iím sure the publisher at the paper will understand if all the reporters just wanted the paycheck just to sit at home and watch the Rocky movies. (Yo Adrian, go pick up that welfare payment)
Besides, going to the office every day is like voting for Ron Paul for president, too much work and too much change for our sedentary existence. The public already gets all the news it needs from YouTube and gossip Web sites; no need to interrupt that brain freeze. Iím sure someone else would step in if we all decided to not get anything done.
Wow, I feel number already! Thank you Mr. Morano, for I now see the light and common sense of my ways.
Weíve never needed to change one thing about what weíre doing to this world so I guess that means we might as well swear in John McCain right now. Good thing too, why do a silly thing and vote for a woman or a black man or dare I say vote for a third party candidate? Glory Halleluiah, Iím going to celebrate by not following all that advice right now.

 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2007©
Menu Bar By Albatross