Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 2/3/08

Xphile’s Tapes XX: Why Barak Obama Will Never Be President
By, Grey Xphile

While it seems that everyone who can raise an opinion on the matter seems to think it’s great that there exists the distinct possibility that the net American President will either be a black man or a white women I, cynically, cannot believe, because I, tragically, know the truth.
And the truth is that we just aren’t there yet.
Oh sure we can let the African Americans and women of the United States of America try. We can condescendingly pat them on the head as they face off in the primaries or battle each other to the death in the Thunderdome, however the truth is we’ve only come so far.
The American Public, the secret controllers of the world, even international leaders jealous of their own inability to truly reach beyond stereotypes, cannot accept anything other than a white male as the President of the United States.
This is not a matter of “American arrogance”, similar social blindness has occurred in other countries. Australia refuses to elect anyone to office who lacks a head pointy enough to wear a thimble, France has yet to elect an official who has a spine, and Italy hasn’t managed to elect anyone who can hold down a job for more than six months.
Now this isn’t an official policy, it’s a cultural thing. Nowhere is it written that a melanin deficiency and the lack of a penis can prevent anyone from becoming President. Many in fact hope that one day, long after they, their children, their children’s children, and their children’s children’s pet salamanders someone lacking a penis may hold office. Sadly that opens the way for someone with the surname Bobbit, something that might be worse than another Bush, Clinton, Kennedy or Sheen.
Even an accented, mumbling former body builder would be more acceptable to these family groups.
This of course limits the options within the current crop of Presidential candidates, principally because Obama is so damn popular. Many Americans would be proud to have someone like this as President, whatever his colour. However attitudes have not changed enough among the power players, who just seem to like to colour coordinate. This is why there may eventually be a Latino president, but not likely an Asian president. These bastards don’t like the summer colours.
Edwards has been beaten out by his stronger opponents, McCain too Republican in a time when change is wanted more than good leadership, Guiliani is an Italian name lacking masculinity (and he never fought the small battles which is why he’s out) and Romney is the biggest puppet in the White House race since the Sesame Street Special of 2000.
We would love to have Obama as President, but the ability for everyone with an opinion, no matter how ignorant, ill-informed, and just plain wrong.
He’s black, he’s Muslim, he’s Gay, he’s the Lindberg baby hopped up on antiaging drugs and cocaine, he’s the bastard offspring of Robert Kennedy (hence that withered twig of the Kennedy family offering support to his rival) and Malcolm X, he’s Thunderbird puppet covered in boot polish, these are just a few of the rumours flying around the Internet and water cooler, cheap, insulting, and believable if you’re too lazy to think.
No, we want a nice, easy to predict white man with no cultural or religious secrets or foibles.
That is why we will certainly be hailing President Hillary Clinton.

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