Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 1/27/08

Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs: Scourge of the 21st Century
By, Ezra Mann (Editor and electric slider)

Pssst, Iíve got a secret you just may want to pay attention to. Donít worry; the information is from a widely known and respected political party weíll just say uses a certain pachyderm as their mascot.
Apparently this party that sometimes gets a little too conservative said some very interesting things about a particular source of light that is not incandescent. Donít tell Thomas Edison, but his invention is being blacklisted by some very evil energy efficient dirtbags. Just in case you didnít get my subtle explanation, the compact fluorescent light bulb is out to do us all in.
Like the curse of the water saving toilet, weíll soon be left with little option other than dealing with being energy conscious or sneaking old light bulbs in with the illegal aliens. Seriously, canít these lobbying big wigs be satisfied with making us replace our walkmans with a CD Players 28 years ago?
I can only imagine what other common sense crazy quests weíll be forced to go on next. First, itís longer lasting light bulbs and fuel efficient vehicles, next it will be implementing healthy food in schools or electing some nutjob like Ron Paul. We canít possibly let those kinds of things happen in a country so afraid of change!
I also heard these new light bulbs are like really hard to clean up once you go out of your way to break them. This congress lady said that you might as well have a hazmat team ready.
Iím so glad she told me this fact so I can go to Wal-Mart and buy all the plastic bags and duct tape to prevent the terrorists from using this to their advantage. Trust me, you will feel much better about that kind of purchase when Osama and his buddies start tossing envelopes filled with bulb dust into a mail box near you. Oh crap, I need warn the post office now.
As our nation wasnít paranoid enough, I also heard that a bunch of micromanaging bureaucrats were behind the whole scheme. Perhaps itís not too late to call Coast to Coast at 2 a.m. and tell them about my new found knowledge.
Who would have thought that people who arenít actually supposed to be running our government pay our elected officials to do bad things. Iím not just shocked, Iím balderdashed that our national well being has a price. Where is a national figure like Uncle Sam when you need him most?
I donít really know what we can do with all these evil light bulbs in our midst. We could go all angry mob and smash them to pieces, but then thatíd be some sort of health risk that weíre more than scared to deal with.
Curse you fluorescent menace, for all we know weíll all succumb to some undiscovered and made up condition we can use to fill up our courtrooms with. Well I know we can keep complaining about something we havenít really researched and thatís got to still count for something. Hooray for backwards thinking!

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