Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 1/6/08

Introducing the Sports Utility Voter
By, Ezra Paul Mann (Editor and Fuel Efficient Punster)

If politics could be made into an alternative fuel, the year 2008 would already have filled up both my vehicles for the year. If all the mudslinging we had to put up with could be converted into an edible substance, we could solve world hunger. Think of all the poverty we could end if the lies that came from candidates were a form of currency. Imagine if you will how voting for the wrong candidate would actually be a good idea if it were a form of medication in our questionable health care system. With todayís sports utility voter we have to come up with more and more exciting ways to fool ourselves into thinking that half of the people who want to get into the oval office are actually capable of popping their own pimples.
Apparently, the largest assigned topic of this presidential whack-a-mole is the struggling economy. Unfortunately and apparently, money just doesnít buy what it used to and damn it if we canít all buy Bimbo Arcadeís daily game release of Grand Theft Headline. If we could only tax the entertainment culture with a stupid tax we might not have to worry about seeing how Lindsey Lohan stole Britney Spears best sex tape with Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise and that Danny guy from the Partridge Family each and every time we turn on the television. Screw the American dollar, we want more writers strikes, Obama/Hillary showdowns and snuggable fresh moments brought to you by the latest wannabes from American Idol. Gosh I love seeing how that overpowers the little personís media outlet and then getting cleverly blamed at the same time.
Then thereís that whole whatchamacallit, oh yeah the thing with the Iraq War thatís supposed to be right behind the economy. Somehow I just got disengaged in the day in and day out report of our troops putting their lives at risk while I catch the latest deals at Wally World. Donít worry though; I know plenty of my fellow countrymen that buy those handy dandy support our troop stickers that will keep them all real safe. We canít possibly be there another five to ten years since the mission is about to be accomplished at a date no one can quite figure out. I sure am glad Mike Huckabee got Chuck Norris to fight the rest of the conflict for us.
Oh geeze I almost forgot about all those other issues like health care, social security, crime rates, kitty litter, the environment, foreign relations and previously aired episodes of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Iím sure weíll be able to depend on the other forgotten candidates like Ron Paul, Fred Thompson or Bill Richardson to save us if we keep ignoring them. I am not continually getting distracted in a society that is more ADHD than a nine year old Mark Lowry. Wait a sec, I know what we can do to solve these problems, take a chill pill. Theyíre right next to the Iím a good boy pill and please donít set Aunt Bertha on Fire again Pill.
I hope that you now feel more informed and are ready to make intelligent decisions in the upcoming year. I know I feel better after giving this most riveting speech. Remember if you donít vote you donít need to get upset and if you get upset just stick your head inside a paper bag and hyperventilate. I canít say what you really need to do this time around because I know youíll do the opposite. Now be good little sports utility voters and be sure to tip your pump jockey.

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