Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 10/24/07

Nintendo Wii a perfect training tool for Homosexual Toleration
By, Ezra P. Mann (Editor and thin line specialist)

Home Entertainment, the cushy frontier. These are the voyages that may slightly offend the stupid, but mostly those that love leaping to far off conclusions. Todayís mission: to poke fun at the latest offering of the Nintendo corporation and fanyboyish glee. This article may indeed succeed at finding out how to totally take two unrelated fields and somehow relate them. Then again, if you have read anything Iíve written before, you may only blink and shake your head.
Now I know what the title may lead you to think (well, maybe not all possibilities), but I can whole heartedly assure you that this will not be riding on those nasty overused stereotypes. I am not going to spend a whole paragraph telling you how the name Wii alone sounds like something a French fruit loop would come up with. I will also refrain from overstating that flipping ones wrist during gameplay looks like a sign of a high pitched interior decorator. Why I would be shocked if you thought that I would stoop so low as to say that those happy well dressed men looking for people to play with were a bit flamboyant in their trek across many lands. Shame on you for getting those silly ideas.
No, I might actually have some sort of a plan to incorporate toleration of homosexual ideas by using a device that has already united geeks all over the planet. (Well, at least two out of every 29) For you see, most geeks can relate to the lack of mutual interest from the opposite sex and because of this, the Wii can bring us all together. So common, grab a controller and a friend and weíll take a virtual walk down some hippy named highway. It wonít be easy, but gosh darn it, itís better than spending any length of time with Rosie OíFreakyLady. Trust me.
To make this fantastic plan work we must convince the geeks that the homosexual community wonít pull a Sci Fi Channel on them and start not being gay. (They have enough trouble competing with fellow heterosexuals) We have to understand that geeks have been hurt a lot over the years themselves, mainly due to cancellations and continuity disorder. So we take the features of the Wii (which is a neutral party) and bring together these two groups previously mentioned through gaming parties. Deep inside we all love a good party and when classic characters like Mario hit the scene, it only multiplies tenfold. The rest is a magical cornucopia or insert manly comparison.
This initial party stage will bring out the rare gay gamer geek which of course is not to be confused with cross dressing hello kitty fans who show up at D&D tournaments. Once these recluses come out of hiding thereís no telling how short the time frame will be until we learn to accept one another. Sure, itíll be a while before Richard Simmons stops creeping me out, but miracles arenít totally out of the question. Besides, once this stuff gets on the fox network, theyíll probably turn it into a reality show. Look out American Idol, Who wants to pimp my gamer chair may be taking your slot.
So there you have it, a clever arrangement of words to get those wheels turning once again. Itís not like I danced around the issue and let you fill in most of the blanks. Iím perfectly fine with playing video games with people of all persuasions. Who says Iím not manly, Iím manly and I can play with gay people too. Look, itís Grey and the Mighty Trout duking out with Princess Zelda!

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