Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 10/9/07

Mario not always the successful man whore
By, Ezra Paul Mann (Editor and Pun Inspector)

Letís face it my fellow video game recliner potatoes, thereís no doubt that Mario of the Super Mario Brothers fame is the biggest man whore to ever pimp the digital scene. Weíve seen him in just about every genre, slutting his plumber crack in hoods all over the world. Heís been a ho in keyboard typing exercises, basketball, DDR, Tennis and even the racing circuit. Itís actually rather hard to think what street corner he hasnít been walking. Yet, Mario did stumble a bit in his early skank career and after storming Nintendo headquarters we finally found what Japan didnít want you to know.
Yes, after years of collecting dust in a vault stuffed in a Janitors closet, we finally found a list of Marioís not so successful attempts in the video game universe. It almost pains me to have to reveal this sensitive information, but I have a duty to those of you with no social life. Brace your love handles because what used to happen in Tokyo usually stayed in Tokyo. Apparently Marioís career in whoreology almost ended before it began with three lost titles. These titles are so labeled Mario Dictator, Dr. Mario: Geino-Commando and Super Mario Quilt Party.
The year was 1992 and feelings were still pretty hurt in America when President Herbert Walker Bush could only partially finish Iraq War MK I. To ease the pain a few programmers in Japan thought they would help by making a game where Sadam was replaced by a certain Italian stereotype. Mario Dictator started out well enough, that is until the idea was leaked at a pro democracy party in Stuttgart where it quickly enraged four or five radical left wing advocates. (Who were there for the free pigs in a blanket) The premise shot down was Mario would rule with an Iron Mustache over the Iraqi people while exploiting their resources for his pasta fetish. Always got to be some jerk with feelings in mind to ruin a good proposal.
The next idea that might have gone far only to meet the chop block was a medical training aide to be used in schools of Genecology. Since the typing games of the late 80s seemed to be so successful in elementary schools it was assumed that Dr. Mario: Geino-Commando would get a quick pass on the examination table. The game was easy enough to understand with Mario donning the appropriate camouflage scrubs and battling various feminine conditions and preventing venereal diseases. But, like Luigiís Proctology Expedition beta testers werenít so eager to dive on in. Something about a bit too disgusting for the average gamer or other silly excuses.
When Super Mario Quit Party first hit the drawing board it was suggested as a way to try and wrangle in the older granny crowd to the video game marketplace. Nintendo thought they might have a way to do it with a customizable platform game where elderly ladies could make believe quit without all those expensive fabric scraps. Unfortunately the custom sewing machine controller ended up not up to snuff and was too gosh darned complicated for an audience who knew more about Sheriff Andy Taylor than new fangled video machines. That and most of the players usually died and their young whipper snapper kids wouldnít want to use them after they kicked the bucket. The age divide still haunts programmers everywhere.
Thankfully or not, Mario survived these early trips into the darker areas of the red light district. Heís now being pimped out more than ever and thereís probably no chance of that escort service slowing down. Of course, for those of us who have some standards weíre not going to give in and now we have new reasons to stay away from the taint. I know Iím going to have to take a long shower get rid of the mental images. Dirty Dirty Plumber.

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