Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/16/07

Gargamel Greed May be Real Cause of Global Warming
By, Ezra Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)
I thought that I had heard it all when it came to the twisted world of the Smurfs. I remember when that magical, easy to step on kingdom was taken to the bank by UNICEF and their twisted public service announcements. I remember when I learned that Papa Smurf pimped out Smurfette and that she had also had a fling with that crazy Warren Jeffs. I really believed that I could finally go to sleep and then I saw once again how the news just couldn’t let my blue heroes live in peace. Sure, the news again didn’t literally mention the word Smurf, but like many Americans I have a right to point the finger when I don’t understand a world problem.
The latest blow to prove that I did not indeed know the tune came when I saw the latest articles on the subject of Global Warming. It seems that the Smurfs aren’t the only ones being tainted and leaving taint. It seems that their worst enemy may be the planet’s worst enemy now because his quest for his blue foes appears to be bringing about disastrous global impact! Many once thought that Gargamel gave up his insane gold lust when the series ended, but it is now clear that he is still up to no good. Yes ladies and gents, Gargamel is attempting to sweat out his enemies even if means the end of life as we know it.
The first piece of evidence surfaced when I noticed that America along with nations such as China and Russia started getting way too hooked on this oil thing. That’s right not so greedy world leaders, that evil madman Gargamel is using your need for crude to possibly grab underground mole Smurfs. Why should he dig himself when our homelands already know how to suck the earth of its natural resources? Before you know it, we’ll run out of fuel and he’ll be able to make a clean getaway. He already knows we’re too stubborn to use a series of alternatives.
This connects to the next phase which is to melt out any frozen Neanderthal Smurfs that could be hiding in the world’s glaciers or pack ice. Sure, it would be more his style to use a spell of some sort or maybe a flame thrower, but he’s learned that by putting so much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere he can sit at his castle and watch the home slaughtering network instead. Heck, I bet you that bastard even drives his own Hummer now. He’ll even sacrifice or lead to the extinction of animals that depend on the colder environments. Why does Gargamel need polar bears anyways, he’s always had a kitty that can eat tainted pet food.
Finally, Gargamel’s scheme will bring about more powerful hurricanes and other natural disasters to cause his blue foes to scurry out into the open. So all you people still recovering from Katrina know who is really to blame and who to point the finger at when a government or two screws up with the next weather phenomenon. Yeah, it’s not the fault of anyone who wanted to alter several major sources of water or making sure people don’t live in an area where that water might naturally flow. It’s that darned Gargamel and his desire to use a failed form of alchemy. Just watch, the weather channel will prove me right on this one.
For crying out loud, it’s not even safe for me to cower in the corner because Gargamel might think I have a Smurf in my pocket and be all too glad to see me. Something will need to be done at the last second or maybe slightly before because I love this planet too much to let a Smurf herder ruin it. Don’t pay attention to congress; they can’t see the mushrooms for the fungus on their voters. All we can do is sit around till Gargamel gives up. It’s not like it’s really our fault for or duty to prevent global warming.


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