Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 8/22/07

Why some fans can’t give a sporting chance
By, Ezra Paul Mann (Editor and Lord of Punny Comedy)
Every time I look at sports headlines there seems to be something else that a superstar has done to taint athletics. Whether it be the abuse of steroids to obtain record glory to the murder of a family, widespread animal cruelty or just plain stupid actions; fans are finding less to cheer about. Who can blame our fellow chip munching comrades, especially when we see how much more dough flows into their pocketbooks. It doesn’t sound like a total crock of hooey when many call for desperate changes to bring back a sense of honor to the playing field. Thankfully, I believe I’ve discovered a clever solution to those unsportsmanlike woes: make more video games based on less popular sports.
I know, it sounds like a lousy answer to any of the previously mention issues, but you might not find my suggestions silly after my explanation. For you see, by arranging the increased release of lesser televised sports video games we can create more happiness from the players so they don’t feel the need to disappoint us ever again. And when we’re not creating a peace-like unity among professional athletes; we’ll be reaching the fans that feel skimped by the digital market. But how can those deep pocketed corporate big wigs at Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony take the time out to make this dream come true? Simple, they can read this article to get an awesome head start.
My truly ingenious plan initially aims to tackle the all too dangerous reality of steroid abuse. The best way to turn this speeding boat around is to create more outdoorsman titles. Sure, we’ve seen the usual fishing tournament games as well as the man hunts animal or the animal hunts man parody, but there’s a whole box full of lures waiting to be angled. Take for instance the all too forgotten art of squirrel chasing in the backwoods of Mississippi. License a deal with Ray Stevens and the bonus level will include a certain church revival for the older folks. With all those acorn munching rodents to chase, steroids will be the farthest thing from even Barry Bonds mind. (Be careful though, the expert difficulty mode pairs you up with Vice President Dick Cheney)
The next problem to be solved by alternative sports video games would have to be teaching all these overpaid professionals how to respect the common man. Think of it, no longer would we have to stick to the occasional snore of the tortured golfing release. We could experience the magic and wonder that is Turkey Bowling. The lead characters would of course have to be played by common low paid workers like janitors and they could battle their way through various supermarket chains all across the United States. (Piggly Wiggly nationals here we come) Take all the top paid athletes and force them to live this world out and they’ll appreciate the value of a dollar for sure.
Finally I think I can bring about a positive end to one of the most depressing parts of the sporting world, saving college football from the BCS ranking system. To bring the sudden death of this failed pass we merely need to makes sure there are more elderly based gaming selections. The possibilities are truly magnificent enough include strip bingo, tapioca wrestling, moonlight shuffleboard, medicinal pinball and bridge on stilts. Heck, I don’t know any hardnosed supporter of the BCS that wouldn’t buckle to the suggestion of a working playoff system after a week of these denture gripping events. We might be able get O.J. Simpson to pay off some of his debts by playing the part of a practice dummy.
See, I was able to discuss the problems of the sporting world without resorting to petty whines. Arguably, my plan may not seem all that strong on the surface, but I know that enough of us won’t really budge to address stuff like this head on. By cleverly dodging the subject matter we can draw things out and leave the solutions for someone else. Total respect can still take a few hits for the team. Now excuse me while I write to my congressman about the lack of ping pong tournaments within the state.

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