Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 8/8/07

Wire Tapping: Anti Terror Weapon or Anti Sales Associate
By, Paul Mann (Editor in Spoof)
I’ve long known of one big truth in life and after 30 hours on my feet over a three day period I’m painfully reminded of it yet again. Working for a living sucks. Sure, there are the important benefits of eating, paying the bills, having a roof over ones head, being able to drive and affording an internet connection so that I can enlighten you with my wisdom at least once a week, but the overall truth still reigns supreme. For crying out loud man, we’re supposed to be better provided for in our overly individualistic society, which means someone isn’t looking out for all those important only looking out for me types. Thank goodness our Commander in Chief has the right idea…or does he? (Dun dun dun)
In another classic moment of ultimate Bush/Congress genius even more power has been given to be able to “listen in” on terrorist scum. Yet, we’re not supposed to worry because Uncle Sam will leave our civil liberties intact while he takes care of those evil bomb strapping bad guys. That’s right; the leader of the free world won’t listen in on your private conversations, unless you happen to convince them that you are a significant threat to national security. So we should all be able to sit back and relax and forget about a little theory I had in the back of my mind. Dang, I probably shouldn’t have told you that.
I should warn you that my gripping theory came to me when I had my first experience working in the amazing world of retail. Folding all those shirts, jeans, pants, etc spurred the thought that the bill might not be to tackle Osama’s buddies, but to keep anyone working in a big chain store thinking like a mindless drone! Yeah, I know it sounds silly, but you asked for it when you started to read this article. Anyhoo, all this paranoia over the President knowing all we do has been merely misdirected and I’m glad I found out before another soul was lost to the clearance rack. Unbeknownst to us all, the focus should have centered on how far giant corporations are willing to go to keep things unbelievably snobby.
Only now can I see why our nation doesn’t resemble a democracy anymore; it should have been obvious when I saw the Terminator lead the nation in the Simpsons Movie. Our president isn’t chosen to lead a “democratic” society. This person (ironically always a rich white guy) is picked to oversee sales in the soon to be global capitalist nightmare. This spying thing isn’t found by slow nitpicking committees; it’s right in front of us in applications for store credit and trendy nametags custom made by pure corruption. Damn you tax free weekend!
If this were a lie then all of us who have worked in the consumer society would be perfectly happy serving the customer. Why would terrorist cells be working to destroy our culture as a whole when they are doing excellent jobs supplying a repetitive collection of pop hits to break any rebellious spirits? The government wants to spy not to stop another 9-11 because they want to listen in to hear employees who would defy company policy and crush the resistance with nagging supervisors. What we believe in isn’t on sale; it’s the very sanity of all those poor bastards who beg for death instead of extended work periods. I just hope I am not too late to save my fellow polo warriors from what is rightfully theirs. (Like more than just the occasional pizza for only getting a half hour break)
So heed this warning if you earn your living working in a department store. The president does not want to crush the bill of rights when he already owns you on the job. The government taps into your lunch period and not your texting sessions. Beware the coming of the holiday season, for it may be your last. Now just help me out of this torture chamber and we’ll be even.

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