Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/27/06

Department of Homeland Security Issues Bathtub Warning
By, Grey Opinion.

Starting this morning the Department of Homeland security advises all American Citizens around the world to abstain from bathing as much as possible after several threats were issued regarding bathing. If necessary they can pass themselves off as Canadians to cover the odour, however no one is expected to pretend to be French or Australian.
Between papal faux pas, prisoner abuse and a summer sleigh ride gone wrong the Muslim world is howling for the blood of all those who offended them, all those affiliated with the offenders and anyone associated with Project Runway and let Chloe win.
However as scheme after scheme has been tried and either failed or left behind enough evidence that a second attempt is easily countered terrorists are left with an increasingly empty bag of tricks.
Consequently competition among terror groups, already intense after the Kabul Swim Suit showdown, has become truly frightening as originality begins to count for as much as violence and effectiveness.
Consequently a splinter faction of a fringe group of Hamas, so far known as “Tom’s Bunch”, has threatened to “Attack infidel yankee doodle dandies in the one place where false security still blankets them: the bathtub.”
Within days a fringe faction of a splinter group of Hizbolla, a fringe group of a splinter faction of Al Qeada, and a splinter group of a fringe faction of the Manchester United Football Club stated they too would attack in bathtub affiliated manners, with the latter claiming to have come up with the idea first.
The Department of Homeland Security has responded by putting the alert level to Magenta with Green Sprinkles and issuing a general warning regarding bathtubs.
Though no one is yet sure how any attacks will take place the rate of showering among US citizens is said to have increased fivefold.
Particularly paranoid individuals now avoid any rooms with baths, and have declared plumbers to be harbingers of doom.
Some have decided that the original threat is very specific, and that only dandies will be targeted.
This does not mean that Southern Dandies are resting easy, most do not trust that only their Yankee counterparts will be targeted, owing to several derogatory comments that both form a dandies appear identical.
US and European security agencies are taking no chances. Already there is a ban on all liquid containers, whether they purportedly contain shampoo, water, milkshakes or fermented camel urine in and around baths.
Europeans are attempting to offer the same guarantee of safety, however admit that French bathing habits limit the bathtub threat. Italians and Greeks are expected to be hardest hit, with Germans and other northern European groups being a hardy sauna and shower people.
Police, border guards and customs officials have been granted temporary rights, expected to become permanent within the next three months, to conduct full searches of bathtubs as necessary and detain not only occupants of said bathtub should anything arouse suspicions, but also regular bathtub users and those with immediate potential to use the bathtub.
Critics state that the open-ended statement “should anything arouse suspicions” is dangerous and unconstitutional. However Homeland Security officials have been quick to defend their actions, stating unequivocally that they will not rest until Americans can once again bathe without fear of unidentified occupants doing something suspicious behind their backs.


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