Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 6/19/06

A Wedding Planner…I am not
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Pun Meister)

So, I’m getting married. Yeah, most of my fans, enemies and possibly a few enemas (That’s French enemies) know that I’ll be signing that all too famous, unbreakable contract of weddness as of late December. **Not to be confused with Hollywood’s who wants to make a mockery of matrimony and then pass it off as the real thing. ** That means the planning has officially begun. (Eeep!)
This or that being said, I am not really sure what the heck I am doing. Sure, tons of ideas exist in the marriagemosphere. The future Mrs. Humor Columnist and I stumble through them daily, but I’m now seeing where the real fun begins. So, why the heck don’t I sit back and let the female machine handle the whole show? Well friends, I just don’t like being left out. (Awwwww.) That and I’m far less dangerous to people around me when I have something to do.
It all started out easily enough. We want to go with a Christmas theme mixed with a little medieval flair, which seems simple. Thus we started thinking of decorations, what the sanctuary would look like, what to do for the reception afterwards and the usual initial stage stuff. Then the details broke in on the scene. Before I knew it, we were spending hours looking up cake designs, picking out bridesmaid dresses, groomsman outfits, the ring bearers suits and that’s not even the tip of the icing.
Then there’s my lovely bride to be. (Double Awwwww.) I knew women could really get involved and fixated on a wedding, but dang did I underestimate. We’re barely engaged for a week and she’s already got ideas for our hitching location, an idea of what she wants in a wedding gown and she’s already lined up all of her bridesmaids. I’m just happy to have found that one special gal and she tells me to pick out a groom cake. (I’m thinking Texas y’all.) And fellahs, don’t try and get your other half off the subject matter either. It’s not the threat to your life, it’s the fact that they won’t let go until it’s all done with.
Finally, the there’s the whole wedding guests thing. We’ve both got to figure out how the heck we’re going to convince my family and friends (Other than Mom and Dad) to travel across the country to go to this shindig. Her family conveniently enough all lives in the area, but most of mine live at least 14 hours away. Even if that is settled…we’ve got to retrieve the addresses, make the invitations, write down RSVPs, set up hotels and send out proper directions. Now I know why people run off to Vegas.
So here I am clinging to my nervous shell of a life, trying to survive with several months to go until I say “I do.” I won’t back out, but I may need a major break before the knot is tied. Thank goodness the honeymoon will be a nice getaway. (As soon as I figure out that venture as well.) My advice to those who are also planning to face the storm: Brace yourselves, you poor saps. Until our day arrives I’ll be over here rocking in the corner like the non-wedding planner I am.