Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/30/06

Straight from the Swede

Sweden's latest breakthrough tech

By, Cozmic

Sweden is not usually known as the most technologically advanced country in the world (or even known), being as how we do not have super-ultra robots, or trains that break the barrier of sound or whatever. However, we do have some new things that certainly feel cutting-edge up here.

First up is our latest phone in technology, where you can phone in to vote for something you like on TV and then not get on the line for 10 minutes. Truly, a technical marvel that sent an insane cultist off to the Eurovision Song Festival, since hers was the only line that worked. Fortunately, the next time this marvel of technology was used and anybody actually cared, it still did not let people vote, but the right thing (or, rather, things, since we are talking about Lordi here). Truly, this is a great age were democracy almost works (unless we are talking politics..).

And of course, lately the Swedish hockeyteam have demonstrated the effects of our new “win championship” technology, first becoming Olympic champions and then winning the World Cup. All due to skill and a healthy amount of shock treatment if they do not win. It is all automated too, thanks to microchips implanted in the helmets. And, better yet, they are all networked thanks to wi-fi technology. Nobody really knew what this was for, the designers just wanted to brag about network accessibility.

Of course, some of our most prominent technology comes from other foreign inventors. For instance, there is this American fellow who claims to have invented a doomsday device powered by polar bears. The major issue here is of course that there are no polar bears in Sweden, something he said he would fix with some sort of new device. All that mad cackling he did made it hard to discern exactly what this is, but I am guessing he is planning on turning the bear population into polar bears using some sort of technology powered by penguins. These plans I stole confirm this suspicion, which means my anti-mad-scientist system (or AMSs) needs to be fine tuned so that it does not waste all ammo on door-to-door salesmen...

And also, very very locally, the Sega Dreamcast is on its way to make a comeback with its antiquated technology and gorgeously designed controls as soon as I remember what games I wanted for it in the first place.
This is your penguin reporter from Sweden signing off to go work on his next invention. A gumball machine.