Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 4/12/06

Scientologists Claim Inane Leaping As Their Own
By, Grey News

Where some would have just pretended that the whole thing had never happened Scientologists have attempted to dignify Tom Cruise’s display by making it their own.
The embarrassing display on Oprah where Tom Cruise declared utter love and devotion to a woman who will be forced to give birth without painkillers managed to lower the respect the general public possessed for the Church of Scientology.
While sceptics claim that this indicated respect by the general public for the Church of Scientology studies show that many people were seriously considering converting if they ever became rich and famous entertainers.
This latest gambit may backfire, with comedians everywhere mocking Cruise’s performance the Church clearly felt that it needed to bolster the image of its central celebrity icon.
Early testing shows that the new Mission Impossible movie may not be enough, Cruise has always been seen as too much of a pretty boy to convincingly carry an action film, and the Oprah incident pushed his image even closer to the effeminate barrier, the point at which no male actor will be taken seriously in a masculine role.
Given that computer simulations show Tom Cruise making an unattractive woman, an even less attractive transvestite and no capability to play in a comedy this would be a serious blow to his career and Scientologist ambitions.
The next most respected celebrity the Scientologists possess is Isaac Hayes, who has always bought a certain dignity and pride to the Church.
However this translates into a certain unspoken power and Hayes has never liked being waved about like a silly little marionette to gain attention.
Tom Cruise also has power, however, as he proved, waving about like a silly little marionette is what he does best.
Therefore the Scientologist reaction has been to make the standard declaration of affection to be jumping up on furniture and waving your arms around. The degree of affection will be displayed in which furniture and how loudly one chooses to talk at the time.
Obviously greater vocal volume means greater affection, though the exact degree will be determined by the furniture.
Given that Tom Cruise has set the high watermark as couches and coffee tables the final disposition of the furniture will be difficult to remember. For the moment beds indicated “We’re really good friends”, chairs of most designs mean something akin to “Let’s go steady”, rocking chairs, chairs used for medical purposes and anything home made means “I just want to get into your pants”, desks are “I think this means something”, dining tables are “Let’s get serious” and large tables not necessarily used for eating are “I still love you”.
This list is by no means definitive, rumours abound that Cruise wants to do a piece on Doctor Phil where he climbs to that never-ending bald spot and really let loose with his emotions.
Should this occur the list will be resized, final release date is set for September 2006.