Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/22/06

Straight from the Swede

Homeless people.. or secret agents?

By, Cozmic

You see them constantly, lying around, doing nothing on the street all day. But is it you who see them, or do they see you? No, I am not talking of the hotdog vendors, although they are highly suspect. I am talking, of course, of the homeless people. Or, as I should call them... Canadian spies!

Think about it, they all have this slight slur to their speech, as if it wasn't natural for them. And once when I asked a bum how much he needed to go buy himself booze, he said, and I quote, “that's not what this is 'aboot'.” No, indeed it is not.

And what more proof do we have that all these so called homeless people are actually Canadian spies? Well, as everyone knows, the government is doing a great job on keeping the economy steady and well, so… there can be no homeless people since everyone has a high-paying job and can afford a small mansion for a measly half a million dollars, while sipping their merlot or cognac. So who, I ask you, could these supposed bums be? Aliens? Elvis reincarnated and shattered into hundreds or thousands of people? Swedish refugees who refuse to pay taxes for having wooden kitchen cabinets and then decide to move to a warmer climate where it's winter eight months of the year? Don't be ridiculous! Of course it's spies and saboteurs from that no-good country in the north! And why? Well, it's obvious, I tell you, they cannot stand the freedom that this country has! I mean, by gosh, this country is so free we have the right to bug almost any phone line legally, and we still choose to do it illegally, while eating more than half of the daily intake of calories as a snack! That, dear reader, is what I call liberty! And I think it is obvious what those liberal Canadians are doing in this, our country of free will and equal opportunity. They are trying to learn how to live like Americans, how to copy our luxurious and righteous lifestyle. Well I say we will not let them, as we are the greatest nation in the world, and none can take that from us!

Besides, all those Canadian spies smell like urine and those cheap whiskey bottles, the ones that only cost around $200 or so, and, well, I am pretty sure that they would manage to somehow defile our glorious lifestyle!