Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 3/5/06
Burger Kingís Mascot may prove useful after all
By, Paul Mann (editor and weirdo)
Imagine yourself in bed; itís been a long day at the grind stone. You
fall asleep, assuming all is safe during your trip to slumber land. Suddenly,
a smell of bacon and eggs on a lightly toasted bun, mixed with the sound
of heavy breathing interrupts your dream. Startled, your eyes spring open
and a bearded man wearing a cheap plastic crown smiles at you from across
your pillow. You have just woken up with the king.
I know Iím not the only person creeped out by Burger Kingís evil mascot.
That royal king of darkness belongs in a Stephen King novel, not a fast
food commercial. Yet, Iíve noticed one thing about society and it seems
to be that people can change the error of their ways a lot faster if they
are scared witless. Take Hurricane Katrina for example; people down in
the gulf area felt pretty confident about living in an area prone to major
flooding until the city of New Orleans suffered a huge blow. A terrible
event indeed, yet The Kingís creepy nature may be useful in a similar
fashion, a fear inducing tool of motivation.
One of the most controversial problems in America, comes from the issue
of sexual abstinence. Yes, I said the S word and it seems to be the bane
of mostly unmarried individuals from San Francisco to Somalia. We simply
canít keep our pants on and itíd be so much easier to get jiggy all natural
or buy a box of condoms. So, how can a world with its shorts around its
knees hope to tide the primal urge? Say hello to The Kingís guide to sexual
Imagine the variety of facial expressions created due to a text book or
pamphlet explaining the possible diseases of unsafe sex on a model of
the Burger King mascot. Teens bursting with hormones would put those tighty
whiteys back on faster than the cancellation of a fox television show.
If that doesnít sway the horny whipper snappers, perhaps the horror of
one day working for The King would change a few minds. If this kind of
visual aid didnít drive up priest and nun numbers, it would certainly
curb a few fornicators. Iím already feeling less inclined.
Furthermore, The King could actually help people become more acceptant
of losing weight. Forget subway, Jarrodís too soft and spends too much
time promoting eating and not enough exercise. Since Richard Simmons seems
to be not as public as he used to be, the world needs a new creepy workout
instructor. When I started seeing the Burger Kingís twisted mascot, I
lost most of my desire to eat greasy fast foods. Thatís a start right
Besides, the whole diet craze could use The King as well. Place The Kingís
image on health food products and the speed of weight loss would sky rocket.
The longer you take to shed pounds, the longer you have to look at that
disturbing face. Yet, putting such a face on fast food could work similar
Finally, The King could become the new spokesman for kids regarding the
never ending war on crime. What better way to prevent the overcrowding
of jail cells then to put the most disturbing face in marketing in a no
tolerance TV commercial. Iíd be motivated as a child if someone had told
me my cell mate would look anything like that scary burger flipper. In
fact, the commercials could take a few actual inmates and have them wear
masks with The Kingís face on it. Tiny and Tinkerbelle would gain new
cell mate fear factor. Heck, this may create the Scruff McGruff of the
Why else wouldnít the youth of every nation swear to be good knowing what
consequences waited on the bunk above them? That kind of face in the shower,
dining hall and outdoor exercise area would be truly detrimental. Horror
flicks canít inspire this kind of fear. Criminals might as well forget
trying to fall asleep at night. It really adds a certain atmosphere to
the phrase ďwake up with the king.Ē
I really think Iím on to something here. At first, I tried to block out
any image of The King. Now there should finally be a purpose. By Jove,
any sort of fear based motivation could truly benefit. Perhaps Burger
Kingís mascot may prove useful after all.
This article was also featured in volume 32: Issue
21 of The Chase at Eastern New Mexico University.