Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 2/20/06

The Zombie Diet: Pros and Cons
By, Grey Opinions

So many diets have made appearances over the years that it is difficult to keep track of the various fads, the ins, the outs, the quick fixes and the lifestyle choices. Which ones follow the tired and true food pyramid, whichever way it may be turned, and which ones try to work new geometries.
The latest diet, one with a curious popularity, is the Zombie diet.
In a word this diet is about brains. Lots and lots of brains.
Someone’s marketing department is working overtime to sell this one to the masses. The general pitch is that by following this diet you can achieve the same svelte figure of a zombie.
It has the benefit of being chic and hip, brains are a relatively rare foodstuff these days, no matter which species. Many a celebrity has apparently taken to ordering fresh brains from the butchers, catalogues, and specialists, even supermarkets when desperate to continue their new diet.
To its credit the diet does work, a brains only menu does result in drastic weight loss. Additionally brains are highly nutritious, when prepared properly. The diet forbids side dishes, but not seasoning, that is a grey area many celebrity chefs are quick to exploit, with the wittiest bringing new ideas to the realm of condiments. In many ways it is the perfect crash diet, with enough nutrition to prevent the normal problems associated with loss of vitamins and minerals while still providing a low calorie intake.
Notable celebrities on these diets include Jessica Simpson, Julia Roberts and Kelsey Grammar. All have reported success at losing weight using the Zombie diet.
There are a number of problems with the zombie diet. For one thing it is a purely short-term diet. It is impossible to keep the weight off unless you keep to the Zombie diet. In fact maintaining any sort of weight on the Zombie diet is impossible, you lose and lose and lose without gain simply because of the lack of calories.
What they also fail to realise is that half the reason that zombies are so slim is because they are zombies, which implies a degree of death.
No instances of zombieism have been reported as the result of the zombie diet, and no one has yet proven a link between brain eating and zombieism, however parents are concerned that their children will follow the trend of celebrities right into the shambling hoards.
Other critics claim that this is nothing more than the next logical step following the Atkins diet and the Mulrovey diet that followed, the former being a high protein low carbohydrate diet and the latter consisting of nothing but internal organs and oranges.
Zombies have reacted to the criticism without favouring either the pro or con side of the issue. Most are simply angry that what little culture they have is being exploited for the latest eating fad.
Environmentalist groups are furious that so much meat is going to waste as brains outstrip other parts of meat animals while groups like PETA are as outraged as ever. None of this matters beyond the fact that they have both just placed themselves higher on the food chain.