Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 1/30/06
Secrets Revealed VIII (or IIX, I canít remember)
By Grey Xphile
Now, I donít normally touch on environmental issues because these tend
to be over presented by green groups who see this sort of revelation as
their own private domain even if they do just boil it down to a trite
ďBig Business is screwing everyone overĒ, and, well, itís true.
However I see a need to present this to you, the need is great and itís
not something those pathetic losers like Greenpeace are likely to pick
Iím going to step on toes, probably get harassment from left wing lunatics
who could have been my allies if theyíd had enough intelligence to see
beyond their own self aggrandisement and those insidious messages they
keep getting from the whales.
So you know this has to be big if I start up about environmental issues.
Just listen to this:
Grey Xphile: So just to clarify, this is about the environment, and itís
Unidentified: Yeah, thatís right. Big. Big like a giant ball of flame.
GX: Is it a giant ball of flame?
U: No. It was a metaphor. Itís still big though.
Thatís nothing more than a teaser, sorry, but Iíve got some explaining
to do and donít feel right presenting the whole thing in one go.
This is more than just big business making a profit at our expense and
neglecting the environment, this is a plan to see humanity itself driven
underground and forced into slavery.
I know, I know, what about the mole people, wonít they have beaten us
to it? Well it gets worse, apparently weíre going to invade them this
Yes, surface dwellers driving out the mole people, quite the turn around,
and itís more than likely to piss them off a great deal.
Just listen to how:
U: First of all the surface is going to be made utterly toxic. You know
those new fast food wrappers, the supposedly paper ones that are supposed
to be biodegradable? Theyíre really the same Styrofoam as before, only
this time pressed so flat that it looks like paper. More insidiously it
actually absorbs grease and toxins from the food to release it when itís
GX: That doesnít make sense. That alone canít work.
U: Well, theyíre also going to be dumping medical waste into rivers, selling
SUVs and getting toddlers hooked on 60s fashion, but the Styrofoam thing
sounds more dramatic.
I know, insane, but Iíve seen the proof. I even went as far as buying
some generic fast food and testing it. The Styrofoam thing is hard to
prove, the grease thing isnít. I wiped my mouth with the stuff and Iím
sure a layer or two of skin came off, along with most of the oil from
Oh man I said that out loud didnít I.
U: The new Xbox 360.
And the mole people:
U: Arenít going to be pushed to the surface, they want it too bad that
theyíll accept it if itís polluted, clean it up, make it better and soon
weíll want it back, beginning the viscous cycle again. No, weíre going
to force them into the lowest, most degrading servitude possible.
G: Working in Starbucks?
U: Song writing for Brittany Spears and scripting Friends movies.
So there we have it, possibly the most insidious plot Iíve found since
that thing about the thing that involved the thing! As usual Iíll release
more information as it becomes available, though I canít say when. Especially
since this particular source melted after shaking my hand.