Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 1/30/06

Xphile’s Tapes: Secrets Revealed VIII (or IIX, I can’t remember)
By Grey Xphile

Now, I don’t normally touch on environmental issues because these tend to be over presented by green groups who see this sort of revelation as their own private domain even if they do just boil it down to a trite “Big Business is screwing everyone over”, and, well, it’s true.
However I see a need to present this to you, the need is great and it’s not something those pathetic losers like Greenpeace are likely to pick up on.
I’m going to step on toes, probably get harassment from left wing lunatics who could have been my allies if they’d had enough intelligence to see beyond their own self aggrandisement and those insidious messages they keep getting from the whales.
So you know this has to be big if I start up about environmental issues.
Just listen to this:
Grey Xphile: So just to clarify, this is about the environment, and it’s big, right?
Unidentified: Yeah, that’s right. Big. Big like a giant ball of flame.
GX: Is it a giant ball of flame?
U: No. It was a metaphor. It’s still big though.
That’s nothing more than a teaser, sorry, but I’ve got some explaining to do and don’t feel right presenting the whole thing in one go.
This is more than just big business making a profit at our expense and neglecting the environment, this is a plan to see humanity itself driven underground and forced into slavery.
I know, I know, what about the mole people, won’t they have beaten us to it? Well it gets worse, apparently we’re going to invade them this time.
Yes, surface dwellers driving out the mole people, quite the turn around, and it’s more than likely to piss them off a great deal.
Just listen to how:
U: First of all the surface is going to be made utterly toxic. You know those new fast food wrappers, the supposedly paper ones that are supposed to be biodegradable? They’re really the same Styrofoam as before, only this time pressed so flat that it looks like paper. More insidiously it actually absorbs grease and toxins from the food to release it when it’s dumped.
GX: That doesn’t make sense. That alone can’t work.
U: Well, they’re also going to be dumping medical waste into rivers, selling SUVs and getting toddlers hooked on 60s fashion, but the Styrofoam thing sounds more dramatic.
I know, insane, but I’ve seen the proof. I even went as far as buying some generic fast food and testing it. The Styrofoam thing is hard to prove, the grease thing isn’t. I wiped my mouth with the stuff and I’m sure a layer or two of skin came off, along with most of the oil from my zits.
Oh man I said that out loud didn’t I.
Here’s why:
U: The new Xbox 360.
And the mole people:
U: Aren’t going to be pushed to the surface, they want it too bad that they’ll accept it if it’s polluted, clean it up, make it better and soon we’ll want it back, beginning the viscous cycle again. No, we’re going to force them into the lowest, most degrading servitude possible.
G: Working in Starbucks?
U: Song writing for Brittany Spears and scripting Friends movies.
{end tape}

So there we have it, possibly the most insidious plot I’ve found since that thing about the thing that involved the thing! As usual I’ll release more information as it becomes available, though I can’t say when. Especially since this particular source melted after shaking my hand.