Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 1/30/06

Xphileís Tapes: Secrets Revealed VIII (or IIX, I canít remember)
By Grey Xphile

Now, I donít normally touch on environmental issues because these tend to be over presented by green groups who see this sort of revelation as their own private domain even if they do just boil it down to a trite ďBig Business is screwing everyone overĒ, and, well, itís true.
However I see a need to present this to you, the need is great and itís not something those pathetic losers like Greenpeace are likely to pick up on.
Iím going to step on toes, probably get harassment from left wing lunatics who could have been my allies if theyíd had enough intelligence to see beyond their own self aggrandisement and those insidious messages they keep getting from the whales.
So you know this has to be big if I start up about environmental issues.
Just listen to this:
Grey Xphile: So just to clarify, this is about the environment, and itís big, right?
Unidentified: Yeah, thatís right. Big. Big like a giant ball of flame.
GX: Is it a giant ball of flame?
U: No. It was a metaphor. Itís still big though.
Thatís nothing more than a teaser, sorry, but Iíve got some explaining to do and donít feel right presenting the whole thing in one go.
This is more than just big business making a profit at our expense and neglecting the environment, this is a plan to see humanity itself driven underground and forced into slavery.
I know, I know, what about the mole people, wonít they have beaten us to it? Well it gets worse, apparently weíre going to invade them this time.
Yes, surface dwellers driving out the mole people, quite the turn around, and itís more than likely to piss them off a great deal.
Just listen to how:
U: First of all the surface is going to be made utterly toxic. You know those new fast food wrappers, the supposedly paper ones that are supposed to be biodegradable? Theyíre really the same Styrofoam as before, only this time pressed so flat that it looks like paper. More insidiously it actually absorbs grease and toxins from the food to release it when itís dumped.
GX: That doesnít make sense. That alone canít work.
U: Well, theyíre also going to be dumping medical waste into rivers, selling SUVs and getting toddlers hooked on 60s fashion, but the Styrofoam thing sounds more dramatic.
I know, insane, but Iíve seen the proof. I even went as far as buying some generic fast food and testing it. The Styrofoam thing is hard to prove, the grease thing isnít. I wiped my mouth with the stuff and Iím sure a layer or two of skin came off, along with most of the oil from my zits.
Oh man I said that out loud didnít I.
Hereís why:
U: The new Xbox 360.
And the mole people:
U: Arenít going to be pushed to the surface, they want it too bad that theyíll accept it if itís polluted, clean it up, make it better and soon weíll want it back, beginning the viscous cycle again. No, weíre going to force them into the lowest, most degrading servitude possible.
G: Working in Starbucks?
U: Song writing for Brittany Spears and scripting Friends movies.
{end tape}

So there we have it, possibly the most insidious plot Iíve found since that thing about the thing that involved the thing! As usual Iíll release more information as it becomes available, though I canít say when. Especially since this particular source melted after shaking my hand.






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