Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 12/12/05

The Top 10 Christmas Wishes for 2005
By, Grey Opinion

#10 Peace on Earth
Steadily falling in popularity over the last six years this is the last traditional wish on the list and is expected to fall away in another two years.
Analysts state that the fall is due to most people being tired of “this namby pamby hippie stuff”.
Namby pamby hippies blame the fact that by definition they cannot take an aggressive stance on the issue.
#9 President George W Bush kicked in the balls
The wish for removal of the president from power barely breaking the top hundred of the list was something of a surprise. Those polled rarely cited war, corruption, Hurricane Katrina or his new hairstyle. Most feel the president should suffer some repercussions for unknowingly releasing criminal mastermind Turkey Lurkey at Thanksgiving.
#8 Paris Hilton banned from any form of media
Enough said.
#7 Ben Affleck to get together with someone not named Jennifer
Though Jennifer Aniston is trying to remove herself from this market it may not be enough. At the very least it would put an end to those recycled wedding presents, tattoos and matching monogrammed shirts.
#6 The development of a food that can be eaten endlessly without concerns about obesity or diabetes.
Clearly thought up by those who see eating as a comfort and a right, it is probably the most frightening wish on the list. This appears to be an acceptance of the reality of the situation, that food itself would be easier to change than attitudes. An unfortunate step.
#5 That Canada stops selling used tires to Europe as a delicacy.
Basically a joke is a joke, now, with used tire demand skyrocketing and four Germans a day being hospitalized and occasionally dying from radial poisoning it’s stopped being funny, no matter how much of a boost it has proven to the Canadian economy.
#4 That someone apologizes for inventing Reality TV
A highly unrealistic expectation, certainly. However anything, from anyone, connected to Reality TV at all would go a long way for many people.
#3 That Madonna is never allowed near movies. Ever.
With threats that the singer will direct something in the near future we all hope this one comes true.
#2 An end to Christmas list specials
Apparently the majority of people are tired of these seasonal regulars, that at best are repetitions of the best previous years had offer, and at worst are long winded, tedious affairs put together by overly verbose, lazy writers with an open dictionary in front of them.
#1 That Paul McCartney be hunted down like an animal, stripped naked, be dunked in melted butter, rolled in bread crumbs, lightly fried and fed to ducks.
No one had any reason for this, it just sounded like a fun option.






 Really Pathetic Productions 2005 ©