Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 10/22/05

Olsen Twins Tipped to Win Oscar
By, Grey Entertainment

The shock rumour that started in Hollywood, rocketed to Maine, shuttled to Toronto, commuted to Seattle, got lost in Guadalajara, and resurfaces face down in the Thames in London is now on the mind of every person on Earth.
Formerly cute former child stars Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are said to be in line for an Oscar.
Everybody panic.
No one is entirely sure what they did to deserve one, speculation includes the distinct possibility that rather than receiving a standard Oscar a special statuette will be awarded for being the least screwed up and yet still most successful child stars in existence.
Even with this seemingly sane possibility of not awarding them a genuine Oscar fear is rising at a tremendous rate. Around the world everyone is stockpiling food at a prodigious rate. As yet there have been no riots and supply remains strong, though only because the award will definitely not be given this year.
Trying to ally fears George W. Bush has stated that he is willing to authorise a tactical strike, deep within the Middle East to prevent this possibility. Why this would work no one knows, however it does lend credence to the possibility that Islamic Terrorists are stockpiling Olsen videos to be used in a major strike in the near future.
The more devout among us have taken this as a sign of the Apocalypse, or at the very least the Rapture, quoting scripture and prophesy found amongst all the major religions.
As always God remains unavailable for comment, leaving his PR agents on Earth to field the questions.
Pope Benedict has spoken out on the issue independently, denying that the Apocalypse is imminent and that the Rapture is still going according to schedule and will not be happening early.
The pontiff further stated that “God would not do this to me again”, whatever that means.
Satan has also issued a statement, less to calm fears than to finally get someone over to fix his computer.
The Lord of the Underworld echoed the Pope’s sentiments, claiming that of all beings the two of them were least likely to be kept out of the loop on a matter such as this.
Additionally Satan stated that if Cher can win an Oscar and Lindsay Lohan can be taken seriously as an actress then the Olsen Twins also winning an Oscar and being taken seriously as actresses isn’t that much of a leap.
No one’s buying that for a minute.
All the same these statements have lead to a more orderly panic; however construction firms have admitted that they are presently building more bomb shelters than in the lead up to Star Wars Episode III.
Word from the Olsen camp has been almost drowned out in the panic, the girls seem to be excited at the prospect of an award and further validation, and fail to understand why anyone would think their success would herald the end of the world.
Causing less grief was the announcement that the Olsen Twins would certainly receive the joint “Blonde of the Year” award.





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