Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/26/05

Xphileís Tapes: Secrets Revealed V
By, Grey Xphile

The nature and origins of human civilization are shrouded in mystery, at least they are if you havenít picked up a history book, and as Iím about to reveal itís the same even if youíve read the history books.
Donít look at me like that we all should have known we were being played for fools, I only found out after the single weirdest sugar rush Iíve ever had. And that covers a lot of ground.
So, after having these delus Ė uh, breakthroughs I decided to consult an expert on this, a big expert, a powerful expert, one who would know the answers but only reveal them under my own intense scrutiny!
This is what happened:
<GX> So, Mister Historian.
<PH> Thatís Professor Historian.
<GX> Okay, so itís Professor Historian.
<PH> Sorry but I do have to maintain a certain level of professionalism here.
<GX> Certain level of personal pettiness more like. Anyway, Iím here to discuss the origins of human civilization with you.
<PH> Oh, well thatís hardly an area of expertise for me, though itís simple enough that I can give you the basic laymanís rundown. It all starts in what is known as the Fertile Crescent around the Mediterranean, where formerly nomadic tribes of what we might consider modern humans settled in order to farm crops and raise livestock.
<GX> I donít want the dumbed down version.
<PH> You hardly seem the type to be able to handle the full version.
<GX> Iíll thank you to know that I have a full and in-depth understanding of science, technology and investigative techniques, especially the stuff other people donít want me to know.
<PH> Thatís exactly what I mean. Youíre tech, and thatís all fine and good, but itís not history.
<GX> I think I know a thing or two to buy me some street cred where history is concerned in your circles, doctor.
<PH> Thatís professor and itís for a reason. Donít go running where your mouth canít carry you boy, or Iíll have my friends come around and personally introduce you to the subject of history.
<GX> Oh yeah, well Iíll, uh, just to check, we arenít talking about a series of free history tutorials, are we?
<PH> No.
<GX> Then Iíve got nothing. Except maybe this.
<Note: At this point I pull from a secret hiding place for special things a piece of something that I thought would peek his interest.>
<Additional note: Okay so it looks like a piece of old fruit cake.>
<Additional additional note: Or a piece of concrete.>
<Additional additional additional note: Not that thereís much difference between old fruit cake and concrete, but the point is that I know this is important and so was his reaction.>
<PH> Okay, you want to know the truth, fine, Iíll level with you.
<GX> Finally.
<PH> Monoliths.
<GX> What?
<PH> Great big black monoliths. Thatís the truth now Iím going
<GX> No, wait, get back here!
<PH> Monoliths! Thatís all youíll get out of us! Ahah, ahahahahahahaha!
Thatís where it ends. Now, if you listen carefully to the insane ranting, the ranting that isnít mind thank you, it is revealed that history is not as we have known.
All right, so I didnít exactly find out what the truth is, but we now know that what we thought we knew isnít so.
Iím going to go lie down now, but that in no way means that I will be stopping my crusade for the truth!




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