Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/26/05

Xphile’s Tapes: Secrets Revealed V
By, Grey Xphile

The nature and origins of human civilization are shrouded in mystery, at least they are if you haven’t picked up a history book, and as I’m about to reveal it’s the same even if you’ve read the history books.
Don’t look at me like that we all should have known we were being played for fools, I only found out after the single weirdest sugar rush I’ve ever had. And that covers a lot of ground.
So, after having these delus – uh, breakthroughs I decided to consult an expert on this, a big expert, a powerful expert, one who would know the answers but only reveal them under my own intense scrutiny!
This is what happened:
<GX> So, Mister Historian.
<PH> That’s Professor Historian.
<GX> Okay, so it’s Professor Historian.
<PH> Sorry but I do have to maintain a certain level of professionalism here.
<GX> Certain level of personal pettiness more like. Anyway, I’m here to discuss the origins of human civilization with you.
<PH> Oh, well that’s hardly an area of expertise for me, though it’s simple enough that I can give you the basic layman’s rundown. It all starts in what is known as the Fertile Crescent around the Mediterranean, where formerly nomadic tribes of what we might consider modern humans settled in order to farm crops and raise livestock.
<GX> I don’t want the dumbed down version.
<PH> You hardly seem the type to be able to handle the full version.
<GX> I’ll thank you to know that I have a full and in-depth understanding of science, technology and investigative techniques, especially the stuff other people don’t want me to know.
<PH> That’s exactly what I mean. You’re tech, and that’s all fine and good, but it’s not history.
<GX> I think I know a thing or two to buy me some street cred where history is concerned in your circles, doctor.
<PH> That’s professor and it’s for a reason. Don’t go running where your mouth can’t carry you boy, or I’ll have my friends come around and personally introduce you to the subject of history.
<GX> Oh yeah, well I’ll, uh, just to check, we aren’t talking about a series of free history tutorials, are we?
<PH> No.
<GX> Then I’ve got nothing. Except maybe this.
<Note: At this point I pull from a secret hiding place for special things a piece of something that I thought would peek his interest.>
<Additional note: Okay so it looks like a piece of old fruit cake.>
<Additional additional note: Or a piece of concrete.>
<Additional additional additional note: Not that there’s much difference between old fruit cake and concrete, but the point is that I know this is important and so was his reaction.>
<PH> Okay, you want to know the truth, fine, I’ll level with you.
<GX> Finally.
<PH> Monoliths.
<GX> What?
<PH> Great big black monoliths. That’s the truth now I’m going
<GX> No, wait, get back here!
<PH> Monoliths! That’s all you’ll get out of us! Ahah, ahahahahahahaha!
That’s where it ends. Now, if you listen carefully to the insane ranting, the ranting that isn’t mind thank you, it is revealed that history is not as we have known.
All right, so I didn’t exactly find out what the truth is, but we now know that what we thought we knew isn’t so.
I’m going to go lie down now, but that in no way means that I will be stopping my crusade for the truth!