Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/19/05

Harry Potter promotes reading and intelligence
Or How J. K. Rowling sinks to new low
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)

Great ghosts of Monty Python and the Holy Grail! What sinister works are at foot now and how can such a beastly set of events conspire? Children reading, learning, grasping the desire to achieve great things. Yup, these things represent the very heart and soul of Armageddon. Curse you J.K. Rowling! Curse you and your little Potter too!
I almost turned down the volume on my 53 inch plasma TV, flipped off the power switch for my PS2/XBOX/Game Cube/150 CD changer, stopped munching my pack of special edition Star Wars Doritos flavored popsicles and closed out my various links to popular secular music on my 3,000 dollar Ferrari notebook computer when I heard another Hogwarts related book now poisoned the local 37 Wal-Marts. (May be 38 if they can win the war against star bucks) Mrs. Rowling seems to think one more book won’t harm the already starved masses. Heresy I say! She’s from Britain and that’s proof enough to board up your houses. Why can’t our children just be stupid in peace? This time she has gone too far!
I don’t overpay my congressmen to sit in their cushy chairs so they can allow the young minds of this country to actually spring from blissful ignorance. Hell no, I pay them to spend as much as they want on toilet seats, fancy hair cuts and standardized testing. Why, this land was founded on such wonderful principals such as suppressed speech and single-mindedness. If our world leaders cannot stop a single mother with ambition to feed and clothe her kids, then we may as well give into Osama right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if this kind of behavior leads to creativity and untapped imagination.
I want to know what happened to the days when kids argued with their parents over what Power Rangers toy they would get twice a week or when video games were family friendly like Unreal Tournament. Can’t we just leave Harry Potter out of our lives and go back to the mindless shells under the influence of South Park and the real Gilligan’s Island? Who wants to read when we have such wonderful talents such as Michael Moore or Bill ‘O’ Riley to worship while stuffing our faces with McGriddle cakes? If I want to read I can log onto the internet and bypass that silly, primitive paper. Gone are those days, along with our selfish ideas of low morality and common sense.
J.K. Rowling is up to something and I don’t like it. The woman knows no bound and should be put in the nut job category with other evil people such as J.R.R. Tolkien, Abraham Lincoln and Albert Einstein. I can’t believe the madness! Thinking and free will leads to change and we can’t allow that.
Stand up for what you know is good for you! I’m going to hop in my SUV right now and drive down to Washington. My anger will not remain contained! I’m going to take a stand, say what I’m told to say gosh darn it. Just give me a moment to remember what the heck I was griping about in the first place.

Today's bit of sarchasm was brought to you by the letter H........