Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/9/05

Satan in Hot Water with Dawson’s Creek Stars
By, Grey Entertainment

The grand success of “Batman Begins” has proven to be a shot in the arm to a number of careers. Christian Bale has found himself solidly in the mind of movie makers everywhere, Michael Caine is saying goodbye to any semblance of a quiet retirement, while Rutger Hauer has found that people know his name again, even if it is as the secret identity of Jerry Springer.
Katie Holmes is perhaps the most shocked, suddenly finding herself credited with actual acting. Between this movie and her impending marriage to Tom Cruise there are strong rumors of an Oscar in Holmes’ future.
As much as this horrifies much of the movie going public the former members of the Dawson’s Creek cast are even more upset, as they cannot even get work in Infomercials.
The net result is approximately half a dozen actors who are very angry with Satan, the being with whom they had an agreement.
According to insiders the agreement promised joint and mutual theatrical success in exchange for the usual souls and torment of random others. Katie Holmes’ relative success without any of her partners appears to represent a breach of contract.
For Holmes this changes little, either she is still bound by the contract to Satan or free of it, though in either case quite possibly bound by whatever contract Tom Cruise puts her under.
Satan is entering into legal action, claiming that Holmes’ success is not his doing, rather the result of the Cruise factor.
Additionally Holmes claims that her talent has aided her career. Though no one believes this for a moment, the potential drag factor of the Dawson’s Creek crew could explain why the Satanic deal has failed to result in anything more than the Dawson’s Creek TV movie.
Similarly it is the barely known nude scene that Holmes participated in receiving credit for her continued visibility. However due to the trials Hollywood tends to put on young actors the threat of revealing flesh may be more appropriate than any actual revelation.
Nevertheless the forgotten of Dawson’s Creek, those who’s names are no longer even recognized outside of an obscure quiz show question, are marshalling forces to exercise legal options. Though it is expected that they will sue for breach of contract it is possible that they will also sue for compensation and the return of their souls. IT is possible that they could attempt to receive monetary assets in exchange for torment already committed, or as collateral for a future deal.
No matter which options are committed Satan is reportedly unconcerned, marshalling the usual force of lawyers fresh from Hell he is confident that any decision will be in his favor.
Regardless of the impending legal action Satan claims that the bargain will be fulfilled with the rest of the Dawson’s Creek crew, even if he has to perform the liposuction himself.
Reportedly Satan also offers his condolences to Holmes, saying his door is always open if she needs help getting herself out of the trouble she has now gotten herself into.