Last week's News

News article for the week of 4/23/05.

Sleep Deprived Resort to Extreme Measures
By Grey News

A startling number of the world’s population does not get enough sleep. Apparently. Though this has been reported time and time again no one has really cared about a bunch of crybaby insomniacs who can’t figure out warm milk or heavy sedation.
Now the crybabies are striking back.
Claiming to be ordinary people who, through various circumstances such as noise or light, just can’t sleep, a group of fifty individuals have banded together to destroy all alarm clocks, ring tone phones, cell phones that cannot be set to vibrate, children, dogs that bark, car horns and anything else that they determine prevents them from getting a good night’s sleep.
Though slow and lethargic because of the sleep issue they are nonetheless determined, using their lack of speed to their advantage as a tool of stealth. Hundreds of people have been taken by surprise and had their mobile phone settings altered without their consent, or their dogs debarked.
If you are wondering just what sort of help stealth would be against a telephone it should be pointed out that three of the group have already had close encounters with power cords.
This appears to be their only advantage as their addled brains sometimes get their missions confused, as in one only recently solved case where seventy five trees in Central Park were debarked for no apparent reason.
The group has no official spokesman or leader, though the three that yawn the least tend to answer the questions, and not very well at that.
When asked about the viability of their goals they responded with two yawns, a swipe of the hand and rolling over in a makeshift hammock.
Authorities are beginning to wonder what to do, in the present political climate anything that seems to be acquiescing to a terrorist groups demands would be professional suicide.
However locking this group up in a nice quiet jail cell seems to fulfil many of their goals, and trying to keep them awake with sounds and lights in those cells seems to invite another scandal about the treatment of prisoners.
Meanwhile this mild mannered rampage of destruction moseys on forth. Their itinerary is published on the Internet as they hope to increase their numbers with those who turn to online entertainment in an effort to help them get to sleep.
The addition of sleep deprived computer nerds may well swell the numbers and increase the group’s overall technical proficiency, though it does nothing to aid them in the area they most seem to lack, which would be muscle.
Several recruiting drives at all night gyms have failed due to “those damn comfy benches”, leaving the group with nothing but a few well rested members, who are immediately kicked out of the organisation.
Where this group will strike, is well known, how they will strike, is ineffective, though one thing is for certain, I would not be writing about this if I could find anything better. And that is a sad statement about the world today.