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News article for the week of 5/14/10.

Fundamentalists blame flood on Tarantino
By, Cozmic

The recent flooding of Nashville has, aside from large amounts of property damage, stirred yet another fundamentalist cult. This cult's particular brand of crazy is not all too uncommon in blaming the media, although far less common than the crazies who claim homosexuals are the reasons for all that is wrong in this world, but far more common than the fundamentalist cults who claim religion is all that is wrong in this world (and these guys are surprisingly proud about it too). Nor is it uncommon to blame recent events on some perceived wrong. However, blaming it on Quentin Tarantino, or rather, people who watch the director's movies, is fairly new.
Apparently watching Tarantino's movies of clever, corny or heavily profanity-filled (or, in the best cases, all three) dialog and brutal violence causes God to become angry and rain down death from the heavens to drown the sinners. You know, like he did with that boat deal when the angels were making babies with the humans and an old man somehow managed to fit a bunch of animals, including all the fish, whales, dolphins and other water-dwelling creatures, onto a giant boat. Clearly, this means God is against movies containing violence, entire dialogue's based around the f-word, and discussions about what they call a Quarter Pounder in France.
“It is the people who watch this filth who bring this down upon us! They have rejected the lord god by watching a cinematic experience that quotes falsely from the Bible! Everyone knows that Ezekiel 25:17 is not that long! Tarantino is a false prophet and it is unwise to follow him!”
These are a few of the words uttered at the cults last sermon, expertly infiltrated by the Really Pathetic News Network, who proceeded to hand out ham sandwiches to all gathered, in an attempt to make them break Leviticus 11:7-8, and secretly snickered at the entire cult.
Also uttered in the sermon were: “He who watches a cinematic experience of moving picturess [by Tarantino] watches the demon's work, and the demon does not love his fellow man! If the demon did love his fellow man he would not show him treated so cruelly! The demon takes pleasure in showing lives end quickly, over the top, and in the occasional high-pressure fountain of blood! The demon thrives on frivolous conversation about tipping waitresses and what Madonna's songs are about! Anyone who watches the demon does also not love his fellow man, and anyone who does not love his neighbor shall be cleansed in a great flood! The great flood shall wash the sinners clean, and their laundry as well!”
While promises of laundry cleaning sounds nice, the whole drowning thing seems rather hypocritical, no? While this particular fundamentalist cult seems quite content to merely place the blame on watching movies by a 47-year old film director from Knoxville, Tennessee, one has to worry about the man's safety.
Tarantino has not responded to requests for comments by RPP, although there is a good chance they would not be fit for print in any case.

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