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News article for the week of 4/20/10.

Backwoods Aliens Cause of Backwards Earthlings
By, Puns McKenna

Scientists have discovered the Exoplanet, WASP-8b among others in the galaxy. The unique thing about these planets is they all orbit retrograde to their star. Now orbiting retrograde means that they go around their star opposite to the direction it rotates. Scientists are still baffled by this phenomenon, but they are confident that an answer lies somewhere out on the horizon. The interesting fact about this discovery is that it leads scientists to believe that there may be more Earth-like planets around these stars.

The scientific community speculates that these Earth-like planets will have life similar to our own. However, with the backward orbital of these retrograde planetoids, it is believed that any life there might be backwards as well. Now, this is not to say that the people will walk backward, but that their behaviors will not be what we expect. Many theories have been roaming around the scientific world. Some claim that the aliens will likely have evolved the same as we have. Others claim that they will have evolved the same, but be more violent as a species. Many believe that racism and elitism will be the dominant behaviors. Speculation puts many of these aliens on porches drinking the alien equivalent of beer and eating pickled Targ’s feet.

Of those convinced that aliens would be more like the rednecks of Earth, many believe that Alien encounters are where we got our redneck behaviors from in the first place. An elitist society of backwater peoples. One scientist told me that he believed we weren’t far removed from barbaric alien cultures, but that we have potential to be better than our progenitors.

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