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News article for the week of 11/16/09.

Bullets To Meet Safety Standards
By, Grey Business

While weapons manufacturers around the world have often laughed at most attempts to apply safety features to their deadly weapons, the increasing number of weapons related deaths has prompted many within the industry to take a long look at their products.
To that end bullet manufacturers across the US have banded together in a show of singularity and responsibility and have decided to print safety warnings on their bullets.
Although the exact text to be used is still to be decided proposed safety scripts have included the following:
“Not to be taken internally!”
“Not to be taken internally, if so flush area with fluids and contact your regular medical consultant!”
“Not food!”
“Caution, may cause pain, burning, rashes, irritably, nausea, blood loss, blindness, sudden revelations, deathbed confessions, divorce, childlessness, sudden abdominal pain, abrupt violin music, alcoholism, sudden loss of vision. Do not operate heavy machinery.”
“Caution, may be accessible by nuts!”
“Please use with specified equipment only, user warranty will be voided if used with non-spec parts and equipment.”
“Not for use by pregnant women.”
That last one is causing some issue as it would imply that bullets cannot be handled by pregnant women, possibly infringing on the right to bear arms, we’ll know more if anyone figures out just what bearing arms means.
Among those dropped were warnings relating the use of bullets to qualified experts only, another rights infringement concern, and how alcohol and bullets do not mix, due to the increasingly popular “shooter shot” cocktail, which has a small bullet in the glass, thus proving the timeless power of the alcohol lobby.
These warnings would be printed in the largest possible red block letters on both the casing and the tip of the bullet, to ensure that no one could mistake these for harmless doodackys that can be sent flying around at supersonic speeds without consequence.
Safety organisations and gun control groups are pleased with this development, claiming that although not as strong as their pet measures it will serve as a reminder to gun owners that what they have is a dangerous weapon, and could lead to similar warnings on guns themselves in the future.
Unfortunately due to a Mythbusters episode where it was proven that even cigarette butts fired out of a gun could cause horrific damage to a human body some guns rights groups are concerned that it may soon be required that anything that can fit into the barrel of a gun will be required to have these warnings.
When informed of this cigarette manufacturers laughed long, loud and in a menacing tone.
Europa braces for possible invasion

By, Don Hellion

While Earth is preparing to search for life on Europa the Europeans have already figured out from the reception of radio and Television transmissions as well as the arrival of spacecraft in the Jovian system that there is life on that blue planet third from the sun. And the intercepted radio and TV signals have them TERRIFIED these creatures KILL other creatures for food and enjoyment! To the peaceful Europeans this is terrifying.

The Europeans have always lived in peace their diet is mainly minerals extracted from the planetary ocean and sea floor. They collect energy from volcanic fissures and currents they have no concept of combat and have never had any type of weapons. Now they are about to be invaded by a violent destructive race of aliens who the just know are going to kill and eat them and steal all they can.

The Europeans grand counsel has met to discuss the threat. And have thus far been unable to come up with a defense. They have little in the way of industry because they have little need for manufactured items. They do not build structures since they need direct contact with the environment to feed. The need no tools or eating utensils because they basically absorb nutrients from the sea around them.

They found out about humans because they have evolved sensory organs that allow them to transmit and receive radio signals that they use to communicate over long distances. When humans started to use radios the strange signals initially confused the Europeans but as they continued to receive these signals over the years they were able to figure out what they meant. The more they were able to understand the more fearful they became. These horrible aliens wiped out others of their kind by the millions and killed and ate vast numbers of other beings and killed large numbers of addition creatures for fun!

The gentle Europeans with their extremely low birth rate only gave birth to a small number of offspring they generally lived 10,000 cycles and gave birth only every 4,000 cycles. The concept of beings that lived less than 100 of their cycles but would give birth to several in that short space of time was unnerving. There were barely 10.000 Europeans These aliens that called themselves humans numbered a mind numbing 7,000,000,000 on their planet! Apparently being short lived they had little value for life since they bred so fast they quickly replaced beings of their kind that died.

On Europa a death was a rare event that was cause for great mourning planet wide at the same time the rare events of birth was cause for long joyful celebrations. The idea of terminating a pregnancy was horrifying. When a pregnancy failed a few thousand cycles ago the mourning lasted almost three full cycles.

Now these horrible monsters were talking about coming here looking for signs of life… For what ends? The Europeans are terrified about what this portends. Will these violent invaders wipe out their race for sport?

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