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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 11/8/09. Weight Loss Companies
Come Calling for Obama More than a year after becoming the first not entirely white man to enter the Whitehouse by the front door Barak Obama is discovering that there is a price to be paid for this sort of power. Powerful Weight Loss affiliates supported Barak Obama during his drive for the Presidency, and while they have been cautious, biding their time so as not to tip their hand to the American Public they now seem to believe they have waited long enough. There are signs that Weight Watchers and Atkins fanatics are pulling strings, that the former has landed a lucrative contract to supply military rations. Rumours are that this could be a Terrorist plot, but the only people saying that are the nut bag branch of the Republicans, and they think everything is a Terrorist plot, the end result being that no one will listen to them, even if this one time they are right. Barak Obama, from all appearances, seems to be fighting this influence as best he can, setting Food Pyramid lobbyists against the Atkins backers, hoping that the two cancel each other out or at least don’t band together under a pro-broccoli banner, an event that could be devastating given the Commander-in-Chief’s dislike of the vegetable. Freakishly it appears that some of the Weight Loss cartels have backing from some fairly sinister sources. Big Tobacco is behind several groups, all of which include, in the most cursory and footnoted manner, that smoking can help suppress appetite and assist in weight loss. Hoping to quietly promote their product this may be almost impossible for the Great Off-White hope to beat. While one would think that the rise of the celebrity chef would be of assistance, Barak Obama reportedly cannot stand any of them. Considering most to be angry, misguided, and a little too obsessed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, another food element loathed by the president. While there is hope Michelle Obama may be able to pull her husband out of this mess – the role and power of First Lady has always been underestimated by lobbyists, there are subtle signs that changes are on the way. One is the proposed change to the food pyramid, converting it to a food polydonalindron, a new shape that does not exist in reality as it has five sides, three corners and a hemisphere in Northern Oregon. Legislation is on the table to ban hamburgers, ice cream and anything with fudge due to calorie count. There are also attempts to ban hot dogs, but that comes from ultra conservatives who don’t like the idea of anyone putting anything foot long in their mouths. |