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News article for the week of 5/20/09.

War is no laughing matter.

Dateline- Monday, May 19, 2009
By McKenna

Early this morning Homey D. Clown was arrested outside a Chicago area convenience store. His spokesman, Keenan Ivory Wayans from the famous comedic Wayans family, stated that the arrest made little sense. Charges were brought against the comedic clown because he purchased a bottle of Canadian Whiskey. In the confusion the evidence bottle was hit against a concrete pillar and officers added the charge of assault with a deadly weapon.

Mr. Clown stated, “I had no intention of physically harming anyone, even after my bottle of Canadian Fire Water was broken. I just wanted the occifers to replace it, man! Now they got me on some beefed up charge of assaulting them.”

The arresting officers were unavailable for comment.

In the wee hours of the morning another gentleman was arrested outside a comedy club in Hollywood that he was visiting. The exact details of his arrest are unclear, but reports say that he was arrested because he was wearing American made designer jeans.

Since the arrests were made it seems that the line has been drawn between American born comedians and their Canadian counterparts. Dozens of stand-up comedians in clubs all across the provinces have begun bashing the stimulus rules in response to the arrests as well as the massive Canadian companies being shut out. Stricter rules on buying American made products seem to be causing quite a bit of dissention all across the board that is being released in the form of tragic comedic outbursts.

In the US, comics are playing up the whiny tantrums that the Canadians are throwing. This has heightened the animosities between the two nations instead of lessening it as many are protesting. As a result of the verbal attacks that are coming from the comedic community, many Hollywood analysts are predicting that Canadian born actors/comedians will not be making any new films or appearances. This predicted behavior would reduce the star content of the various movie studios by roughly 93 persons. This would indeed be a travesty.

Imagine if comedic stars like Dave Foley or Leslie Nielsen stopped making US films. It could really cause a severe economic downturn for the United States. Box Office profits would drop significantly, the movie industry would fail, and with it the economy would fall to rack and ruin. It could mean a financial disaster worse than that of The Great Depression. Ironically though, it might set former President and acting star, Ronald Regan spinning in his ornate grave. Perhaps this could provide an alternate source of power generation with all the deceased actors?

Who knows what the comedic community has in store for us, but there’s one thing that is certain. It will certainly be interesting to watch all of the sparks fly. The number of minor brush fires that start in the heat of this battle for supremacy could escalate into one huge inferno type blaze, or we could all be lucky and the US will be forgiven for this atrocity of money handling. Only time will tell for sure.

English Muffin Assault!

By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update)

Just this morning a customer outside of a New Jersey Starbucks store was assaulted with an English muffin, resulting in severe lacerations, the man is currently in a medically induced coma.
Doctors have stated that had this been a simple bagel or muffin the worst he would have suffered would have been a splinter or swimmer’s ear. That it was an English muffin meant there was too much trauma.
The state of New Jersey has declared that all British oriented bread products are to be banned.
Britain has objected vehemently, pointing out that croissants have killed more people with their high butter content than any English pastry.
France stated it’s extreme displeasure, noted that while English pastry was largely innocent English baked goods were responsible for sinking two German ships during World War II.
It was at that point the French remembered who they were and surrendered.
The English have stated that they will make Delaware pay the consequences as soon as they can think of a way to make New Jersey less pleasant.
 


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