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Last week's News

News article for the week of 5/5/09.

Pope Sightings Increase Crop Yields
By Grey Events

While it was never expected that the sun would shine from Barak Obama’s posterior his honeymoon period has been unexpectedly long and forgiving as he makes some of the hardest economic decisions of the past decade.
Some have compared him to FDR, Kennedy or Jamie Foxx.
Okay that last one is mostly by the annoyingly hard to ignore Jamie Foxx who wants another shot at Oscar glory by portraying the world’s first nonfictional African American US President.
However not all these comparisons have been flattering, and as political correctness wanes people realize it’s okay to protest against President Barak Obama’s decisions because even if he is black, half black, or nine quarters Eskimo (that’s Jamie Foxx again, the man does not do his research), he is still a president and entitled to all the lack of respect that implies.
The most vocal critics are ordinary citizens who are tired of the bailouts of large failing companies, most would rather see them fail and build new structures up rather than place a heavy tax burden on future generations.
These protesters, harkening back to America’s revolutionary roots, have referred to their events as “Tea Parties”.
While relatively small in scale at the moment there is scope for these protests to increase in size and frequency as desperate, bailed out corporations try to cut back on bonus clauses enacted in the good times, perks and hot and cold running strippers.
The Obama administration is paying some attention, forcing some companies into bankruptcy, imposing limits and conditions on the funds they will allow to float the likes of GM, Ford and Haberdashery.
However addressing the protests themselves spokespeople for Obama have derided their efforts, frequently pointing out the lack of actual tea at their parties.
“If these protesters were serious about their efforts and ties to our glorious past then they would have no fewer than two and ideally five crates of tea at their events.”
This is indeed the standard for tea party protests held up by four accredited historical societies in America, though is not a legal requirement. Re-enactments can use crates labeled “Tea”, however when used in the context of a protest real tea must be used in some form or another to the minimum requirements of the societies.
The protestors have claimed that the economic hardship of the times have forced them to cut back, allowing a maximum of one teabag per protestor in an effort to keep their label as Tea Parties, lest the various historical societies turn up as protest busters.
After what happened when the historical society attacked the memorial group that thought it was honoring the memory of President Dwight Eisenhower, General in charge of England who boxed Hitler into invading Russia on horseback no one wants to tick off a bunch of history buffs.
In the meantime Tea Party organizers are applying to the Federal Government for additional funds to purchase the necessary allotment of tea in order to continue their demonstrations.
The application is presently under consideration.
Swine Flu Broadcast
By Grey News (Article featured on RPP Update Video 2)
As mass hysteria fails to break into the world stage managers for the disease have attempted to rebrand it with a more “dangerous” moniker: Mexican Flu.
This move is not without precedent, most major outbreaks tend to be named after their origins, such as Spanish Flu, Delhi Belly, The Jackson 5 – who were named after their origins in Jackson, Ohio rather than their surname, and of course Katy Perry.
The move is supported by pig supporters everywhere, who are horrified by the culls of pigs around the world. As there is no proof of pig to human transmission of the virus, which is a mutated strain that is one third human, one third pig, one third avian and one quarter trailer trash but with the right eyeliner you can’t tell, oinky fans are claiming this as an excuse for the long awaited genocide of pigs.
One pork product was overheard saying “It’s all the Mexican’s fault, they don’t wash their hands, we don’t even have hands to begin with.”
Mexicans have responded with outrage, citing the continued beating up of Mexicans by the world.
“To us,” one Mexico City official said, “This is just another case of everyone spitting on the proud Mexican people. This flu is no more the fault of Mexico anymore than the continued export of American Idol is the fault of Canada! This has been called the Swine Flu in popular media, and that is how it should continue to be thought of.”
Matters rapidly degenerated when a pig pointed to the continued drug war, earthquakes, Salma Hayak’s stilted careers and now disease as proof that God hates Mexicans.
Rumblings in Mexico City indicate that military retaliation is being considered, however with the continued skirmishing along their northern border with drug gangs no one knows if they have the forces for an effective strike. Not to mention the fact that it’s just pigs.


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