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Last week's News

News article for the week of 4/27/09.

Obama Administration to Tea Party Protestors: Not Enough Tea
By Grey Politics

While it was never expected that the sun would shine from Barak Obama’s posterior his honeymoon period has been unexpectedly long and forgiving as he makes some of the hardest economic decisions of the past decade.
Some have compared him to FDR, Kennedy or Jamie Foxx.
Okay that last one is mostly by the annoyingly hard to ignore Jamie Foxx who wants another shot at Oscar glory by portraying the world’s first nonfictional African American US President.
However not all these comparisons have been flattering, and as political correctness wanes people realize it’s okay to protest against President Barak Obama’s decisions because even if he is black, half black, or nine quarters Eskimo (that’s Jamie Foxx again, the man does not do his research), he is still a president and entitled to all the lack of respect that implies.
The most vocal critics are ordinary citizens who are tired of the bailouts of large failing companies, most would rather see them fail and build new structures up rather than place a heavy tax burden on future generations.
These protesters, harkening back to America’s revolutionary roots, have referred to their events as “Tea Parties”.
While relatively small in scale at the moment there is scope for these protests to increase in size and frequency as desperate, bailed out corporations try to cut back on bonus clauses enacted in the good times, perks and hot and cold running strippers.
The Obama administration is paying some attention, forcing some companies into bankruptcy, imposing limits and conditions on the funds they will allow to float the likes of GM, Ford and Haberdashery.
However addressing the protests themselves spokespeople for Obama have derided their efforts, frequently pointing out the lack of actual tea at their parties.
“If these protesters were serious about their efforts and ties to our glorious past then they would have no fewer than two and ideally five crates of tea at their events.”
This is indeed the standard for tea party protests held up by four accredited historical societies in America, though is not a legal requirement. Re-enactments can use crates labeled “Tea”, however when used in the context of a protest real tea must be used in some form or another to the minimum requirements of the societies.
The protestors have claimed that the economic hardship of the times have forced them to cut back, allowing a maximum of one teabag per protestor in an effort to keep their label as Tea Parties, lest the various historical societies turn up as protest busters.
After what happened when the historical society attacked the memorial group that thought it was honoring the memory of President Dwight Eisenhower, General in charge of England who boxed Hitler into invading Russia on horseback no one wants to tick off a bunch of history buffs.
In the meantime Tea Party organizers are applying to the Federal Government for additional funds to purchase the necessary allotment of tea in order to continue their demonstrations.
The application is presently under consideration.
Lead into Gold, the Latest Way Out of the Economic Crisis
By Grey Business (Article featured on RPP Update Video 1)
Formerly a fringe pseudoscience basking in the waning light of its last great heyday in the 17th Century, alchemy is becoming the latest way to deal with the economic troubles presently plaguing us, and appears to be very popular with people looking for quick, easy income after the disappointment of pyramid schemes and Bernard Madoff.
That jerk just wouldn’t share anything.
As jobs become scares across the board and no one trusts a financial adviser the old ways are becoming increasingly popular, even those that have been disproven.
Except, some argue, alchemy was not entirely wrong. Advanced particle physics tells us that one can convert one element into another through the addition or subtraction of protons, neutrons and electrons.
Just how you’re supposed to do that easily and in volume is the question.
Ebay has shown a massive spike in sales of hand held large hadron colliders, marketed as the first step to converting everyday household junk into valuable, valuable gold.
No instructions on how the process interestingly enough.
Other groups have picked up on this and are investigating the appropriate means, leading to a number of sprays and polishes that, while marketed as turning lead into gold, reading the fine print reveals that “Product may not turn lead into gold, product may barely make lead shine like gold, any gold present after use of product on lead is purely coincidental, product may dissolve gold and contain some egg products.”
Even more distressing is the news from the few financial experts who still have jobs and credibility is that if a means of converting base metals into gold were discovered the market for gold would be flooded and the price would plummet disastrously, bankrupting most major ore producing companies, and causing an even worse economic situation than we currently face.
Which of course means that there’s a third group working on a way to convert gold into lead, wood or a chewable candy that cleans your teeth and leaves your mouth minty fresh.
The thinking here is to buy up large quantities of cheaper than yo mama gold then reveres the manufacturing process on a large scale, denude the supply, spiking the price enormously.
The amount of research needed is vast, the resources required huge, the investment opportunities unheard of . . . which oddly enough may stimulate the global economy more than the actual production of gold.
Employment opportunities to research alchemy have been opened up to a wide range of disciplines, from the obvious chemistry, physics, herbalism and hog washing (that is the sanitisation of pigs) to the more radical approaches that involve cookery, line dancing or divining the answer from subliminal codes found in celebrity twitters.
The list of new jobs opening up is limitless, even if the goal is never achieved, the economy may recover before success is attained, it could actually prove to be a worthwhile project.
Is that funny or scary?


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